phoenix_arose: (angel back)
okay little know fact i used to cut - not as an angsty preteen thing i was cutting b4 i was in puberty - i contiuned to cut allthe way thru h.s. - i don't any more, that doesn't mean that i don't think about it - mostly i can chanal it in to a more productive outlet for it i'll color something incredibly detailed or i'll take sid walk chalk to my whole drive way. I go to the botanical gardens and take pics of flowers and trees. walk along paths inthe gardens that are calming and soothing for me.

On the really bad days when non of this is working i start thining about branding, scarifcation and tattoos - b/c for me that's what cutting was always about it wasnot about dying i didn't want to leave this place - it wasnot about attention i always wore long sleaves so no one knew or noticed (normally ) - it was about getting what i was dealling with on the inside out where it was visually represented outside all the soul wounds all the cut marks on my hear t i wanted them out where i could see them - where later people could see them as a warning to stay away b/c i'm f*ed up in the head. so that i would never have try and tellthe stories about my life that caused my heart and soul to be wounded and slowly bleeding to death. any abused person will tell you that unless you too have been abused you can't really grok what it does to you long term. there are things that are completely irrational that you do or don't do b/c of this one event - and normal people just never understand it.

Someone once suggested that people like me should not date normal people b/c we mess the nornaml people up we shoudl be segrigated and only date other f*ed up people. That might be a fine theory.

Today i have moved passed wanting my tats passed branding passed scaifcation i wasn my knife ... i want to mark this on the out side i want to see my blood flow so it's just not on the inside any more - i don't wanna die - i DO NOT want to kill myself i do just need to get all this pain out

what's causing it you ask that has pushed me over the edge

- money -

the constant un knowing of matt and i current situation i know what the long term is and i'm okay with that but the day in and day out wondering where we stand whter or not this newest attraction in az is something i need to worry about - he says not but damn it's just hard somedays - i do believe him - i'm just tired of haveing to take everythign he tells me on his word a word that was broken in dec and word that is being broken now . it's hard for me to trust - i don't think he gets that

breathes and now that i feel all emo - i'm going to log off here and try to workand not cry at work today

is it vaction yet ?

“My body is my journal,and my tattoos are my story”

Johnny Depp
phoenix_arose: (morning ducks)
In Europe they think over 88 is extremly hot ........ well i had thought about flip side but this would kill 2 birds with one stone - i could see spain and do a large burn event - in more tempearte weather and perhaps pop in to morrocco to see a friend too ..... come back via the UK and yes yes that could be an excelant trip

So I got a call from R. last night around midnight - i had been dozing in bed - i had hoped it would be matt ... no such luck but very good to hear from R. any way and i realized somethng this morning

Samtosha - Contentment, cultivating the inner joys which come with freedom from desire so plainly contentement with out apathy
i'm all my agony about matt i'm missing something - not excatly taking it for granted but just failing to approciate it for it's full worth. I have alot of people who do care for me. love me even in some cases are in love with me. So Why Am I Stressing it ... i don't know bu i woke up this moring and ar thoguht back on the breif convo with R. and releaized that i need to do a couple things

1 - detach for what others think about me and my releationships - it's goo to hear others options but i should not allow them to stress me this much
2 - i need to back off matt - he's not doing anything wrong i need to trust him - i knew this was going to be hard i encouraged him to go b/c he deserves to chase his dreams - so do i but one dream at a time $$ is all we can afford
3 - matt and i need to find out what is and is not okay for me as far as touch it's something that i HAVE to have wheather this means me goign tout ther by train once a month of him flying home once a moth or we open this relationship up a bit how ever we do it i don't care just needs to be done
4 - i need a vaction - work stress + not sleeping + money stress = crazier linz than normal - i need to take it easy
5 - i need to get out more this is hard to do when tired but i am just goignt ot have to force myself to do it - just have to that's all there is to that i need people around me i need to get the dogs out and social ize them - i need to make time to nurture my soul myself this summer

Good morning !!!!!!!!!
phoenix_arose: (grand canyon)
So yeah the head noise - not only is it wow ugly in here it's loud and it's making me crazy, strike that crazier

i have this nigglling feeling that matt's seeing someone in AZ - i can't prove it one way or another, so i'm left trying to trust him. The trust was broken over the winter and it's not really strong again yet so just taking his word for it - very hard to do. It's not like i can go check it's not like i have any way to check i just have to have faith.

Faith .... i'm feeling a little weak in that area lately al round - I'm afraid to surrend to Bast b/c i don't know where the road goes but the part of it i can see doesn't look fun happy or comforting. And normally i can roll with what ever path she is calling me down but i am so tired of fighting

I'm fighting with my bio family about matt and whether or not he's any good for me
i'm fighting to convence the one person who kinda liked matt that it's not a bad as looks right now - b/c it's not
I'm fighting with my self - b/c it really hard to stand here and clain tobe rational about my life and choises when even one around me who cares about me says it's bad then why am i still standing here saying no really it's goignto be fine

and work is makeing me a basker case as well no one has any answers for me ..... they are starting to tell people whether they are in or out ... i stillhaven't heard word one - so i hope this is a good thing

and ... the head noise goes on -- weeeee
phoenix_arose: (strangely comfortable)
so it's been a bit
well b/c i have been excising the head noise to paper for matt to see. I'm not sure that this is a good idea - it's likely to make him run away and if he does it 's beter to know now that the head noise make him run.

Any way

I did get paid .. there were no slayings at the friut basket

i had lunch with R and it was good to see him - i think i might have freaked him out a bit 'cause i was feelign stand offish - i'm like thta when i'm working - i can't help it

i miss matt - there is no 2 ways about it and i want him home now

School - matt's 1st test is today *thinks good thoughts for him * he studies alot this prenvents us from talking as much as i would like to - which means its a good thing i'm here and he's there other wise the studing would not be happenening

flying matt likes it - i'm sure glad i'm here - 'cuase i'd worry too much they tech him how to stall his plane ... that to me seems stupid (cause i don't want him to die) i understand why they have to do it but if i was there i would be freaking out - thus it a good thing i'm here

Work - it's moving on it's a good job and i generally can laugh about it 99% of the time given that other 1% is composed of blinding rage or crying but i's mostly a good thing

pets - i'm about to get a second puppy also a great dane she's one and still a puppy - this will be fun =)

Head noise volume has been alternationg btwn 150 and 0 crying generally resets the head noise - i've been allowing my self to do that when feeling over welmed and it helps go figure - i'm also writing down the noise which has allowed me to evaluate it better

i've been thingking alot on what i want tin a life - i'm living short of what i want so i'm starting to make changes to imporve that but as i'm in a releation ship i need to comunicate that to Matt as well - hence the aformationed letters

that was 15 min - off to pimp for fruit
phoenix_arose: (Valenrian House)

i went to yoga on thursday called "transformational yoga" - oh my god i am sore - it was like get a deep tissue masge - alot of the knots that i had were worked out and the toxins hiding in there. oh yes not a good feeling - wellit was good but i felt like a ton of bricks hit me - it pushed me and ws starting to clear some of the mental bull sh*t. In Theory when your practicing you are supposed to be focusing on your body. how ever they also teach you that emotions hid in muscle groups. this is also the 1st time ina long time that i have had a miror around while i practiced - which lets you get a super good look at your body. I found my self agruing with matt and kris and hating how my body looks not how it feels but how it appears inthe mirror *HATE* that ws kinda surprising to me ... normally i don't care but i found my self breating me for letting my body look this way .. the pudge around the middle, the chicken arms, the theights that are too fat and just what i found with out my glasses on i don't even what to think what would happen had i actual been able to see anyting.

I don't know if it was the risidual gym effect or what but that was not good. Also found my self going over all the mistakes i had made at work and telling my self that i wasnot good enought to be hired and also all the b.s with matt that come ina flood .. it was really not a good mental heath day.

I'm still feeling a little off about the whole thing and i am 100% sure that this is hormonal in part, but it's makeing me crazy !

i had a GREAT time last night at the party though - it was good to see every one there and just chat and play withthe kiddos .... yeas there wewer babies ther - i on't know why but kids just love me ... it's that mothering everyone thing i think ... sigh i really don't wanna be in that house by myself i would really rather get a smaller apartment that could just be mine - that way i wouldn't feel like i needed a room mate -- arg i don't know but i' all tense and upset feeling today

oh yes and agrivated at the boy - "i'll be right back " gdoes not mean coming bak at 1 am tomorrow mornig ..... stupid males
phoenix_arose: (pawn)
I'm wanting to create something ... write, draw, paint, make a newsletter, something. However, I have a great big block - it's not that I don't have any ideas, I just don't have a way of getting it to come out properly. It's like there is a great big plug keeping me from doing it.

I love coloring books - but I can't ever seem to draw anything
I love playing music and singing - I'm unable to write music
I love making things - if there is a structure to follow

I guess I'm not an initiator - perhaps that's what it is - I'm not sure.


So in reflection on my situation with my S.O. -

I think that Nice Guys fall into this trap. No excuses are offered here so bear with me. They don't want to hurt someone's feelings in that effort to be nice. There are girls/women who cannot separate nice guy-friend from oh-my-he-is-dating-me. The fault lays in both places. By the time you are out of high school, the male should know that being nice can be misconstrued as "dating" and females should have learned to draw the line. I think this stems from society - as it is now, there really isn't a place for "straight male friend who likes to hang out and do stuff." It has to be 1. dating 2. dating exclusively 3. playing 4. hanging out with friends ooooorrrrrr......5. cheating (only eligible if you are in a relationship). Why is that?

To define
1. Dating: going places and doing things with one or more people. Yes, group dating is included under this category. Also some poly relationships ... actually Poly really just belongs here - it also belongs in other places, too, but here is a good place to start. Every one knows what's going on. Out with Dan on Tuesday seeing Marry and Tom on Friday, Saturday going out with friends from work. Those are all dates.(suggestions welcome)

2. Dating exclusively for me is specifically not having dates with anyone else. NOT: Ken and Barbie on the couch snuggling up while watching the notebook while his girlfriend Heather is advised not to be home. - now if Heather was included in this movie night that would be okay. Then Heather and a group of people coming by to hang out - still cool so long as Heather is included or invited.

3. Being a player: Dating several people and telling them that it's exclusive when it's not. This is not dating... it's dating gone totally wrong ...

4. This can fall under dating too in a very broad sense .... "I have a lunch date with my friend tomorrow."

5. You are in a committed relationship of some sort and you start engaging in any of the above categories with out letting your partner(s) know ....

Okay, so here's where I get all pissy - I can't stand "don't ask, don't tell" policies b/c this is lying. If that's what makes you happy, fine. Me? I'm poly. I get that people get attracted to other people. It happens, whether it's hot pants (lust) or love for the body or the mind - it happens. And so long as you're open and honest about it, I find that to be an okay thing

in the US, societally speaking, "we" are not okay with that. Cheating is the nice thing to do because then you don't have to tell your S.O. that you like someone else. And then you hope that they never find out. It makes no sense, either, but there it is.

This thing with Matt got started that way. The chick was having a rough time. He wanted to be nice, but in being nice she got all attached because he was taking her out and doing cool things with her. He let her think what he she wanted. Matt encouraged this because in trying again to be nice he never told her that this was not the case, neither by actions nor words, thus "cheating".

I felt like I ended up in the middle because honestly I don't really care if Matt hangs out with his friends of either gender / sex but I don't think I should be excluded from that. Perhaps this is unreasonable but my thought on it is this: Are these people important in your life? "Yes." Well then I would like to know them if you wanna spend time without me - without your girlfriend ... yes that's called boys night. I get that - you want mixed company over to do something you know I won't be interested in. Well the least you could do is invite me. You want to entertain a female at our house and require that I not be there... um, no, unless we have that kind of relationship, which goes both ways.

I understand that as a couple, alone time is a must - everyone needs and wants it. I also understand that people need time away from each other (away from S.O. with other people in a non-romantic/sexual way). And as stated above, I understand the need to be away from each other and with other people in a romantic/sexual way, providing that is the way your relationship is set up.

What I'm driving at, I guess, is why are we, as a society, programing people to be this way where polyamory is taboo and we have to keep attempting to cram people in to boxes that they don't fit in to, encouraging them to lie about their human needs to be with other people.


So. Where am I? Well, I have been asking a lot of questions both in my head and out loud - and some of the answers are disturbing. Both mine and his. Right now, the head noise, my inner monologue, is down to a dull whisper. But every time his phone rings, I get predatory. I have a hard time believing him when he says "mom/dad/family member" and then walks out of the room to talk. When he and I are instant messaging, I have this urge to know exactly who he is talking to and what is he saying. Which understandably upsets him - not what I'm going for. It bugs me that when I walk by and he's on the computer he shuts the top of the computer, even when there is no way I could see anything. He doesn't want to talk about it any more because I think in his mind it's over and done. He says he's not talking to her any more or seeing her and that should be good enough... but that's not good enough for my crushed feelings and trust. *big sigh* I am just tired of having to second guess myself - mostly that is what I find myself upset about - this has caused me to doubt my instincts and feelings and him...


In other news, I have a garden! =) Now I have to decide what to plant in it.


phoenix_arose: (Default)
Lindsey Swem

June 2013



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