phoenix_arose: (Elizabeth rain)
Don't cry to me
If you loved me
You would be here with me
You want me
Confine me
Make up your mind

Should I let you fall
Lose it all
So maybe you can remember yourself
Can't keep believing
We're only deceiving ourselves
And I'm sick of the lie
And you're too late

Don't cry to me
If you loved me
You would be here with me
You want me
Confine me
Make up your mind

Couldn't take the blame
Sick with shame
Must be exhausting to lose your own game
Selfishly hated
No wonder you're jaded
You can't play the victim this time
And you're too late

Don't cry to me
If you loved me
You would be here with me
You want me
Confine me
Make up your mind

You never call me when you're sober
You only want it cause it's over
It's over

How could I have burned paradise?
How could I? You were never mine!

So don't cry to me
If you loved me
You would be here with me
Don't lie to me
Just get your things
I've made up your mind
phoenix_arose: (bite me)
this is one of those days i want to curl up and die so that i can move on to dealing withthe next frucked up thinkg that is going on in my life this week

So my land lord has not been paying the morgage ... my house is in for coloser i am moving at months end - where ..... that's a fine question

there is no one here i can talk to about any of this and the person who should be supporting me appeantly thinks caring means being to busy to call me backa nd talk to me about shit well thanks you matt for you help and support today that's just perfect -



how's in austin are all out the right price range a i am goignto have to be on the lease by my self - i have two dogs ( thanks again Matt) that can't be put in a apartment and i can't affpord to move my house hold cloer in for the same $$$


Today is a day not to dick with me as i'm am littler all at the end of my rope

Matt

Aug. 2nd, 2006 09:53 am
phoenix_arose: (matt and i)
I just wanted you to know how much just one call of text masssage makes in my day, it turna a bad day in to a good day and a good day into a great day

that everything here seems 100x better when i hear your voice



i know i don't tell you enought how much these little things mean

i love you
phoenix_arose: (i'll wait)
Ofically the PT is paying off ..... i walked very slowly up and down the stairs at my house yeaster day multipule times - i'm not saying i did it wel or fast or that it didin't hurt but i did it =) it's progress also on friday i walked down the stairs slowly and not too painfully =)

Healing is happening very slowly i and i can feel it my legs are getting stronger and i need to do my "homework" so that it keeps getting better faster there is maked inmprovement inthe bruises too soon i will be back up and danceing it will be good


I spend yesterday after noon at my ouse gettign the cable back up and the net work up and running i had to uninstaqllthe Mcafee to get it working but - that's okay i needed to get the phones to work and i'll have dad re install the Mcafee so that the computer is happy again =)


the housei also much cleaner there was aalot of dust in the house that needd to be swept and moped and the wood ned cleaned and polish and the energy was crappy so i light the house hold candle and someincense and did a mini grounding centering cleaning ritual for my house so that when i come home it won't be all wonky still


Talked to matt Last night that was very very vey good for me and and think excelant for both of us - i ned to be looking in to the cheapest flight i ccan get out to AZ in sept and i need to req off (done) hope fully i get it hope fully i have enought vaction by thn not to worry toomuch about it

i am desperately ready to see him it's getting better every day it's not perfect - but i don't need perfection =)

Eyes=death

Jul. 24th, 2006 11:35 am
phoenix_arose: (tea time)
So i would like to share my thoughts on my month so far


It's sucked ass

on top of the healing from the fight with hte cow there is now insurance bull sh*t to deal with no pay check since the 30th of last month and the looming threat of medical bills wee does this sound fun - i think not


As clearly i've been down a long time 'cause my body is assureting it's woman hood agfain which happened just b4 the accident
and yeasterday something got in to my contacts and tryed to blind me - yes that 3 hours of burning in my eyes was not really good for them as it turns out so now i have drugs for my eyes and legs and the eye hurt at like a 10 on the 0= no pain 10 = death scale - my legs also but not as much as th eyes - So yesterday was spent at the minor emerggancy room getting my eyes check the info below indicates that a paient usally presents with pain and photophobia - i was crying and wimpering in the dr. office b/c the lights hurt so bad and you have to open your eyes s o they ca look at them *swigh8 one more thing to the list
Read more... )

I have PT at 4:30 today - it's going ot hurt b/c we have to start gettingthe blood out of my legs - and

i have offically reached over welmed


Bright part of my day Matt called to check onme at about 10 this morning - called caause he figured with my eyes i wouldn't be trying to work

tomorrow S.A. with carly =)
phoenix_arose: (angel back)
okay little know fact i used to cut - not as an angsty preteen thing i was cutting b4 i was in puberty - i contiuned to cut allthe way thru h.s. - i don't any more, that doesn't mean that i don't think about it - mostly i can chanal it in to a more productive outlet for it i'll color something incredibly detailed or i'll take sid walk chalk to my whole drive way. I go to the botanical gardens and take pics of flowers and trees. walk along paths inthe gardens that are calming and soothing for me.


On the really bad days when non of this is working i start thining about branding, scarifcation and tattoos - b/c for me that's what cutting was always about it wasnot about dying i didn't want to leave this place - it wasnot about attention i always wore long sleaves so no one knew or noticed (normally ) - it was about getting what i was dealling with on the inside out where it was visually represented outside all the soul wounds all the cut marks on my hear t i wanted them out where i could see them - where later people could see them as a warning to stay away b/c i'm f*ed up in the head. so that i would never have try and tellthe stories about my life that caused my heart and soul to be wounded and slowly bleeding to death. any abused person will tell you that unless you too have been abused you can't really grok what it does to you long term. there are things that are completely irrational that you do or don't do b/c of this one event - and normal people just never understand it.


Someone once suggested that people like me should not date normal people b/c we mess the nornaml people up we shoudl be segrigated and only date other f*ed up people. That might be a fine theory.

Today i have moved passed wanting my tats passed branding passed scaifcation i wasn my knife ... i want to mark this on the out side i want to see my blood flow so it's just not on the inside any more - i don't wanna die - i DO NOT want to kill myself i do just need to get all this pain out


what's causing it you ask that has pushed me over the edge

- money -

the constant un knowing of matt and i current situation i know what the long term is and i'm okay with that but the day in and day out wondering where we stand whter or not this newest attraction in az is something i need to worry about - he says not but damn it's just hard somedays - i do believe him - i'm just tired of haveing to take everythign he tells me on his word a word that was broken in dec and word that is being broken now . it's hard for me to trust - i don't think he gets that



breathes and now that i feel all emo - i'm going to log off here and try to workand not cry at work today


is it vaction yet ?


“My body is my journal,and my tattoos are my story”

Johnny Depp

bad month

Jun. 27th, 2006 05:14 pm
phoenix_arose: (waiting)
I need some down time - i can't even begin to explain why i need down time. i thouhgt saide down time was goingto be this coming weekend .... it's looking like while an unintentional lie - lie it was - i needs must start planning for a trip to az in july as matt shall not be coming home this weekend - and actally ther most upsetting thing was is i told his dog *hangs head* thisa might souind like a load of crap but the dog was excited about this ffact  and now well shit i feel like i've lied to a kid. crap -

tit's been a month for hell actaully - today ended in begging for an extetion on water and electrictiy tilli get paid - b/c either the bank or matt didn't come threu on something that was supposed to be done yesterday

i am also tired of my family  b/c they seem to think reminding me that this stuff has not been taken care of is the best way to fix the problem well should any of them be reading this it's not iuf you think it's frusterating to watch me suffer with this -m imagine suffering and someone kicking you inthe stomach that's kinda how it feels - i undserstand we are all upset that no oners can call me - but picking at me about it's not going to fix it - you wanna talk to me make a no strinhgs money offer ... other wise back off


sigh - by sept things are goingto bbe great again - life will be looking up it will get okay

it will get okay
it will get okay
it will get okay


sigh -

I'm really disapoint personally too about matt not coming home  - it's not like he has much control over it i just  i just got my hopes up that's all  i shouldn't have i knew better. i feel like a little kid it's really not THAT huge of a deal i just well shit it's been a bad month
phoenix_arose: (boondock- the question)
Sometimes people just doen't know when to quit .....  you ever been so mad that you are physically shaking with rage and hate .... it was like that today. Since dec i releaize that i have accepted "hate" back in to my life i am disapointed with that - but i think it's a nessicarry step 


there is a short list of  people, should i ever wanna kill myself , i'm taking out 1st =) one of them poked at me the other day  they still need to die slowly and painfully ..... 


*sigh* i go back to cleaning my brothers room now
phoenix_arose: (waiting)
so yes if you need me you can't call the house or the cel or e-mail b/c i'm completely cut the fuck off ..... 


i'm almost sure i can get the house phone and computer back up if i reallyreallyreallyreallyreally had to but at the moment ...... i'm at tmy mother satempting tpbe patiecenty whiel i still wait for that damed e-mail to show up from att he says he put it in my comments ...... 15 min ago ..... it's not her eyet and honest ly all i really wanna do is go home curl up and cry i briefly considered the emerald forest  but have desided against it - Ryan would be like the only one i know that thand i would feel out of place  and clingy so i'm goignto give it till 9:45 and then i'm calling amtt and telling him ii'm holding his licence to fly hostiage till i get th e-mail or he reads it to me 


i'm just really don't with this waiting don't have time or wanna make any feeling i get from him - and this outstanding e-mail kinda sucks too - he's also stopped saying i love you to me on the phone ... that really hurt more than words can express since it's not like her here to show me love  he could ataleast say it ... althoguth perhaps he doesn't mean it  so he's not saying - that also hurts but there just isn't a whole lot i can do with that ....... 

less than 10 to go .... i'm gogin back to CNN
phoenix_arose: (morning ducks)
Today would not be a day to dick with me - i'm tired the insomnia is totally out of control now we are talking less 3 hours a night - and the really frightening thing is my body is adjusting to it. Body is altaully lettig me run my self in to the ground. This morning i am alert and coherant (and freezing ) i'm also pissed i have at least in part discovered what is causeing me to wake up every 15- 30 mins - Matt. He will say " i'll call you back later tonight" instead of actually talking to me when i call and then my stupid-girl-brain keeps waking me up for fear of missing a call that never fucking comes. I'm not sure how to stop this - the part of the brain that's doing it is not something that i can control. So what to do .... Other issues contributing to lack of sleep 1. job.... no job? job.... no job? job.... no job? job.... no job? job.... no job? job.... no job? job.... no job? 2. normal lindsey doesn't sleep well things.


I'm in a extremely bad mood this morning as well i sould have captured the IM i had with Matt - he agreeed to call me and respond to my e-mail last night - there ws no phone call last night and no e-mail this morning - my pacients has worn thin - i'm starting to really wonder what the deal is with this avoidance thing - i picked small fight yeasterday and got a few answers but the big questions where in the e-mail that he has been sending ASAP since yesterday at 1 pm ....


*sigh* Part of my hyer reation to everything is lack of sleep - i know this and i can cognitively releaize that i ned to gage down my emotional and mental responces to every thing but it's really hard - i don't wanna slip in to appathy but i am tired of feeling everythig like it was life or death.


geez okay veting should stop for now


Weekend looks like
Today -> R. after work maybe
Friday -> work then on to a plane for Tulsa
Sat-> 70th b-day party
Sunday -> more party and then fly home
Monday -> work
Tuesday - > last day of work ..... maybe ?
phoenix_arose: (grand canyon)
So yeah the head noise - not only is it wow ugly in here it's loud and it's making me crazy, strike that crazier

i have this nigglling feeling that matt's seeing someone in AZ - i can't prove it one way or another, so i'm left trying to trust him. The trust was broken over the winter and it's not really strong again yet so just taking his word for it - very hard to do. It's not like i can go check it's not like i have any way to check i just have to have faith.

Faith .... i'm feeling a little weak in that area lately al round - I'm afraid to surrend to Bast b/c i don't know where the road goes but the part of it i can see doesn't look fun happy or comforting. And normally i can roll with what ever path she is calling me down but i am so tired of fighting

I'm fighting with my bio family about matt and whether or not he's any good for me
i'm fighting to convence the one person who kinda liked matt that it's not a bad as looks right now - b/c it's not
I'm fighting with my self - b/c it really hard to stand here and clain tobe rational about my life and choises when even one around me who cares about me says it's bad then why am i still standing here saying no really it's goignto be fine

and work is makeing me a basker case as well no one has any answers for me ..... they are starting to tell people whether they are in or out ... i stillhaven't heard word one - so i hope this is a good thing

and ... the head noise goes on -- weeeee

check in

May. 26th, 2006 08:27 am
phoenix_arose: (earth Flame)
it has been a long fucked up week here in my world - i'm physically and emotionally exhused - and if i knew for sure that part of my family would not be upset i would forgo this blessed trip to Scarb and dallas all together and stay at home and sleep and work on my house .....

that is not he case

Monday - work backto land o muggles
Tuesday - Interview, Empolyyee of the month meeting, volt meeting, writted warning for burrning incence inthe smokeing section at work
wednesday- volt meeting, emergancey meeting with volt so stupid slut in volt office at apple could give me my write up, home
Thurday - OT supposed to go by mom's place totally forgot - got plane tix of OK trip 3-4th
Friday here i sit just dreaming about staying home ...... *sigh* oh well


i have ot today as well and i have to og by mom's place after work i can not for get can not
My body is choosing to engagin proff o am a breedable women this week as well which adds and edge to everything i didin't need - i'm still al pissy with matt of something he contiunes to applogized for but hasn't stopped doing yet ........ bah *hands herself some cheese to go wit my whine*

i turned the other job offer i had - this was likly stupid but it really just was not enoguht $$ - so it would have sucked any way the crazy peple calling in to day are goign to have me breaking my teeth from griting them i have no idea if there is any money that is un budgeted in my account so i have no idea if i can go get breakfast or lunch ..... i'm tired of that it's startign to piss me off i've worked too hard for to have to be wondering shit like that ... bah =P

i think i'm done now
phoenix_arose: (strangely comfortable)
so it's been a bit
why?
well b/c i have been excising the head noise to paper for matt to see. I'm not sure that this is a good idea - it's likely to make him run away and if he does it 's beter to know now that the head noise make him run.

Any way

I did get paid .. there were no slayings at the friut basket

i had lunch with R and it was good to see him - i think i might have freaked him out a bit 'cause i was feelign stand offish - i'm like thta when i'm working - i can't help it

i miss matt - there is no 2 ways about it and i want him home now

School - matt's 1st test is today *thinks good thoughts for him * he studies alot this prenvents us from talking as much as i would like to - which means its a good thing i'm here and he's there other wise the studing would not be happenening

flying matt likes it - i'm sure glad i'm here - 'cuase i'd worry too much they tech him how to stall his plane ... that to me seems stupid (cause i don't want him to die) i understand why they have to do it but if i was there i would be freaking out - thus it a good thing i'm here


Work - it's moving on it's a good job and i generally can laugh about it 99% of the time given that other 1% is composed of blinding rage or crying but i's mostly a good thing

pets - i'm about to get a second puppy also a great dane she's one and still a puppy - this will be fun =)

Head noise volume has been alternationg btwn 150 and 0 crying generally resets the head noise - i've been allowing my self to do that when feeling over welmed and it helps go figure - i'm also writing down the noise which has allowed me to evaluate it better

i've been thingking alot on what i want tin a life - i'm living short of what i want so i'm starting to make changes to imporve that but as i'm in a releation ship i need to comunicate that to Matt as well - hence the aformationed letters

that was 15 min - off to pimp for fruit

crazy dream

Mar. 1st, 2006 11:50 am
phoenix_arose: (lust)
so last night i had a dream

i was working at "world market" type store in Dallas and the couple i was assisting was looking a these bowls full of orchids (fresh ones piled in bowls like rose petals purple and red ones in case any one cares). the couple had knocked a whole bowl of them over and i was cleaning them up off the floor, when matt walks up and scared me by tappng my shoulder - after which he proceeds to tell me that he needs me to wite down 6 times that "i have a birth mark in the the shape of a cloud on my right leg " so as to i.d. me to the county office where, if i'm willing, he will be getting a marirage licence. i have already started writing, while still picking up flowers, and all of a sudden that last bit clicks .... marriage !!!! i stop toss the flowers out of my hands and give him a huge hug and kiss .. then the alarm when to off as matt was leaveing for the court house.
Read more... )
phoenix_arose: (pawn)
so i've ben thinking - here's the deal with everyone i trained getting hired - it means that i am a good trainer or mentor or what the hell ever i was thru x-mas.

and actually that's pretty hot =)

no i'm not saying that i'm not upset that is didin't get badged and they did .. but shit how wonderful is that - all of my friends got hired !!!!!!


hopefully next time i'm good to go =)


in other news if i'm hard to get a hold of this week it's b/c matt's leaveing at the end of the week and i would like to do as much with him as possible b4 he goes.


more later
phoenix_arose: (pawn)
http://www.raaflightschools.com/index.asp
and now for a laugh

You Are Scooter

Brainy and knowledgable, you are the perfect sidekick.
You're always willing to lend a helping hand.
In any big event or party, you're the one who keeps things going.
"15 seconds to showtime!"


I am worth $2,018,112 on HumanForSale.com
phoenix_arose: (pawn)
so.... i need a people to live with ... Matt wil be in Az or FL for the next 5mths- 1 year - and we are keeping the house it's a 2 bed one office/bed 2.5 bath in Cedar Park (north) and i don't wan to to be ther all by myself. also i have to very neeedy cats and a huge puppy all of which will love you to death

Why you ask well matt is goingto go back to schol to fly reginal jets =) it 's 5months to a year then he will be back he will be ack to visit dueing this period but i done want to have that huge house all to my self withte the 3 pets ....

*le sigh* T minus 3 weeks and counting

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Lindsey Swem

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