phoenix_arose: (morning ducks)
In Europe they think over 88 is extremly hot ........ well i had thought about flip side but this would kill 2 birds with one stone - i could see spain and do a large burn event - in more tempearte weather and perhaps pop in to morrocco to see a friend too ..... come back via the UK and yes yes that could be an excelant trip

So I got a call from R. last night around midnight - i had been dozing in bed - i had hoped it would be matt ... no such luck but very good to hear from R. any way and i realized somethng this morning

Samtosha - Contentment, cultivating the inner joys which come with freedom from desire so plainly contentement with out apathy
i'm all my agony about matt i'm missing something - not excatly taking it for granted but just failing to approciate it for it's full worth. I have alot of people who do care for me. love me even in some cases are in love with me. So Why Am I Stressing it ... i don't know bu i woke up this moring and ar thoguht back on the breif convo with R. and releaized that i need to do a couple things

1 - detach for what others think about me and my releationships - it's goo to hear others options but i should not allow them to stress me this much
2 - i need to back off matt - he's not doing anything wrong i need to trust him - i knew this was going to be hard i encouraged him to go b/c he deserves to chase his dreams - so do i but one dream at a time $$ is all we can afford
3 - matt and i need to find out what is and is not okay for me as far as touch it's something that i HAVE to have wheather this means me goign tout ther by train once a month of him flying home once a moth or we open this relationship up a bit how ever we do it i don't care just needs to be done
4 - i need a vaction - work stress + not sleeping + money stress = crazier linz than normal - i need to take it easy
5 - i need to get out more this is hard to do when tired but i am just goignt ot have to force myself to do it - just have to that's all there is to that i need people around me i need to get the dogs out and social ize them - i need to make time to nurture my soul myself this summer

Good morning !!!!!!!!!
phoenix_arose: (morning ducks)
so this is day one of my 7am-4pm shift - i feel like death - that's about ho i always feel at 7am - i haven't had any tea yet and i can't get my voice running which is kinda sucky since i answer phones for a living *smerk*

i pulled 17 jobs from the statesman last night i need to apply for and fax info to some of them - have i metioned that job hunting sucks? i'll get better with it once i get an interveiw or two - i need to send info out today via mail for one position. which means i need to print resumes - which means i should ask dad about that printer he has - i know i could have stuff printered at kinkos but i have burned my budget for the week so no $$ till pay day.

i bought the dogs a Kong and ... the puppy is in love i bought the super tuff one b/c she chews alot - like at puppy hight no bark left on my trees. so here's hoping she stops chewing every thing in the yard

Thoughts on H.S. - come about while waiting on laura's show to start

highschool sweethearts: this is not an over rated experiance Crystal and Juan are hs sweethearts. It's a good and heathy thing, teachesyou to love and be open and accept love early. And when it works out in the longer run it's really great b/c if you can make it thru hs and college together thru allthe changes - they really will be there for you no matter what

It's a blessing to be that young it reminded me how bitter and jaded i really am about life and love- it's also firgening how bad people i think are bitter and jaded must be!
I also think i figured out what cause part of the issues with matt and i over x-mas - I am almost incapable of being young and stupid. I never really got to be i went from 5 to 30 and that didn't leave alot of time for sillimess or playing amd it left zero room for stupidity. Guys like that too - they like the silly young and stupid thing i can give that to any one. and maybe it's b/c no one has ever asked it of me - they just went else where for it - and as long as they tellme they are doing that it's fine - it's the hiding it thing that gets me. I was sitting in the "pit" with laura at intermission and her sr. sara was there with her s.o. who is in the army and they were playing he stole her sandwich and she stole it back and then he took her shoe and threw it across the pit and then she pleded and whine till he got it for her. It's a part of me that i'm not okay with and never had validated and i guess boys like that stuff i sould attempt to cultivate that in me. It is okay to be silly and act like a normal girl - i do not have to be perfect all the time. it's okay to blush - be embarassed it's good for you.

Just got back from a communication meeting they try to have them every 6 months or so - i really wanted to be excused from te meeting the agenda included all the things that they were going to be doing for the next 6 mothes to make x-mas more bearble this year - i won't be here so what do i care really that they are moving buildings for more better space in late july and that they have better planning and they wanted to thank us for our hard work (but not hire me ). I'm being stupid about this job thing - i need to focus my "work/job/career" engery away from the fruit basket and into finding a job but i still could get hired here so it's hard not to give 110% of me to this gig. to make my whole situation funnier they are goingto have an overflow call canter in MESA AZ - that's where matt is for those of you who don't know - it's not run my apple - but i thought about moveing out there in sept - i've decided not to but i still found that funny. i need to step up from 15 jobs a day to 30 - it's going to be hard to do but seriously would improve my chances of getting hired - i also need to go to book stores and see about getting hired there - *sigh* bcak from lunch now i go to work
phoenix_arose: (Valenrian House)

i went to yoga on thursday called "transformational yoga" - oh my god i am sore - it was like get a deep tissue masge - alot of the knots that i had were worked out and the toxins hiding in there. oh yes not a good feeling - wellit was good but i felt like a ton of bricks hit me - it pushed me and ws starting to clear some of the mental bull sh*t. In Theory when your practicing you are supposed to be focusing on your body. how ever they also teach you that emotions hid in muscle groups. this is also the 1st time ina long time that i have had a miror around while i practiced - which lets you get a super good look at your body. I found my self agruing with matt and kris and hating how my body looks not how it feels but how it appears inthe mirror *HATE* that ws kinda surprising to me ... normally i don't care but i found my self breating me for letting my body look this way .. the pudge around the middle, the chicken arms, the theights that are too fat and just what i found with out my glasses on i don't even what to think what would happen had i actual been able to see anyting.

I don't know if it was the risidual gym effect or what but that was not good. Also found my self going over all the mistakes i had made at work and telling my self that i wasnot good enought to be hired and also all the b.s with matt that come ina flood .. it was really not a good mental heath day.

I'm still feeling a little off about the whole thing and i am 100% sure that this is hormonal in part, but it's makeing me crazy !

i had a GREAT time last night at the party though - it was good to see every one there and just chat and play withthe kiddos .... yeas there wewer babies ther - i on't know why but kids just love me ... it's that mothering everyone thing i think ... sigh i really don't wanna be in that house by myself i would really rather get a smaller apartment that could just be mine - that way i wouldn't feel like i needed a room mate -- arg i don't know but i' all tense and upset feeling today

oh yes and agrivated at the boy - "i'll be right back " gdoes not mean coming bak at 1 am tomorrow mornig ..... stupid males
phoenix_arose: (pawn)
I'm wanting to create something ... write, draw, paint, make a newsletter, something. However, I have a great big block - it's not that I don't have any ideas, I just don't have a way of getting it to come out properly. It's like there is a great big plug keeping me from doing it.

I love coloring books - but I can't ever seem to draw anything
I love playing music and singing - I'm unable to write music
I love making things - if there is a structure to follow

I guess I'm not an initiator - perhaps that's what it is - I'm not sure.


So in reflection on my situation with my S.O. -

I think that Nice Guys fall into this trap. No excuses are offered here so bear with me. They don't want to hurt someone's feelings in that effort to be nice. There are girls/women who cannot separate nice guy-friend from oh-my-he-is-dating-me. The fault lays in both places. By the time you are out of high school, the male should know that being nice can be misconstrued as "dating" and females should have learned to draw the line. I think this stems from society - as it is now, there really isn't a place for "straight male friend who likes to hang out and do stuff." It has to be 1. dating 2. dating exclusively 3. playing 4. hanging out with friends ooooorrrrrr......5. cheating (only eligible if you are in a relationship). Why is that?

To define
1. Dating: going places and doing things with one or more people. Yes, group dating is included under this category. Also some poly relationships ... actually Poly really just belongs here - it also belongs in other places, too, but here is a good place to start. Every one knows what's going on. Out with Dan on Tuesday seeing Marry and Tom on Friday, Saturday going out with friends from work. Those are all dates.(suggestions welcome)

2. Dating exclusively for me is specifically not having dates with anyone else. NOT: Ken and Barbie on the couch snuggling up while watching the notebook while his girlfriend Heather is advised not to be home. - now if Heather was included in this movie night that would be okay. Then Heather and a group of people coming by to hang out - still cool so long as Heather is included or invited.

3. Being a player: Dating several people and telling them that it's exclusive when it's not. This is not dating... it's dating gone totally wrong ...

4. This can fall under dating too in a very broad sense .... "I have a lunch date with my friend tomorrow."

5. You are in a committed relationship of some sort and you start engaging in any of the above categories with out letting your partner(s) know ....

Okay, so here's where I get all pissy - I can't stand "don't ask, don't tell" policies b/c this is lying. If that's what makes you happy, fine. Me? I'm poly. I get that people get attracted to other people. It happens, whether it's hot pants (lust) or love for the body or the mind - it happens. And so long as you're open and honest about it, I find that to be an okay thing

in the US, societally speaking, "we" are not okay with that. Cheating is the nice thing to do because then you don't have to tell your S.O. that you like someone else. And then you hope that they never find out. It makes no sense, either, but there it is.

This thing with Matt got started that way. The chick was having a rough time. He wanted to be nice, but in being nice she got all attached because he was taking her out and doing cool things with her. He let her think what he she wanted. Matt encouraged this because in trying again to be nice he never told her that this was not the case, neither by actions nor words, thus "cheating".

I felt like I ended up in the middle because honestly I don't really care if Matt hangs out with his friends of either gender / sex but I don't think I should be excluded from that. Perhaps this is unreasonable but my thought on it is this: Are these people important in your life? "Yes." Well then I would like to know them if you wanna spend time without me - without your girlfriend ... yes that's called boys night. I get that - you want mixed company over to do something you know I won't be interested in. Well the least you could do is invite me. You want to entertain a female at our house and require that I not be there... um, no, unless we have that kind of relationship, which goes both ways.

I understand that as a couple, alone time is a must - everyone needs and wants it. I also understand that people need time away from each other (away from S.O. with other people in a non-romantic/sexual way). And as stated above, I understand the need to be away from each other and with other people in a romantic/sexual way, providing that is the way your relationship is set up.

What I'm driving at, I guess, is why are we, as a society, programing people to be this way where polyamory is taboo and we have to keep attempting to cram people in to boxes that they don't fit in to, encouraging them to lie about their human needs to be with other people.


So. Where am I? Well, I have been asking a lot of questions both in my head and out loud - and some of the answers are disturbing. Both mine and his. Right now, the head noise, my inner monologue, is down to a dull whisper. But every time his phone rings, I get predatory. I have a hard time believing him when he says "mom/dad/family member" and then walks out of the room to talk. When he and I are instant messaging, I have this urge to know exactly who he is talking to and what is he saying. Which understandably upsets him - not what I'm going for. It bugs me that when I walk by and he's on the computer he shuts the top of the computer, even when there is no way I could see anything. He doesn't want to talk about it any more because I think in his mind it's over and done. He says he's not talking to her any more or seeing her and that should be good enough... but that's not good enough for my crushed feelings and trust. *big sigh* I am just tired of having to second guess myself - mostly that is what I find myself upset about - this has caused me to doubt my instincts and feelings and him...


In other news, I have a garden! =) Now I have to decide what to plant in it.


phoenix_arose: (Default)
Lindsey Swem

June 2013



RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 20th, 2017 09:18 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios