phoenix_arose: (Elizabeth rain)
so yeah it's been a very long week - hopefully some of this willget settled soonish - i have roommates freaking out and bothering neighbors to chat on their phone ?!?!? and she hasn't paid rent yet so it's not like she can really bitch too much about shit, but she does need to quit freaking out - she's never appeantly been left alone in a house so apearnlt at 18 that's a kinda freaky thing - i don't know i was left alone and wanted to be from 13 on so i don't understand how that can be a freaky thing

dad is busy with camps which means a fat check soon YAY!!! and it sounds like the new club is getting off the ground which is also good - go dad

Mom has been wonderful in dealing with the insurance company's - i ned to call and check the status of my matrix stuff today - i have a measially pay check getting thrown away - b/c of deliquent issues from May or june i'm not sure which

I wonder if rent is paid ? that could bea good question - my grandmother paid my car not for me as part of my dad's rent . so there are some bills that still need to get paid - in the mean time i think i have found something for dani to do that will make $$ mom willl pay her to wash all my brothers clothes and put themin pet free boxes - so that can be a project she can do from my house and peraps she can quit freaking out since then she will have something to do - i don't know

i need to get my dad to move his stuff out of storage so that we can get him moved into the other room and can get dani moved in my "guest" room - i'll tell you what all bills paid furnished room for 350 is not a bad deal - espaically since it's a house and so there is the living room and a full kitchen.

The dogs need food i have to get out there with food today which means i should probalbly be doing some research in to what dog food i'm going to get - Dallas i clearly not respondinf well to the stuff we have been feeding him - he's still sheeding like mad and his nails are peeling off - very bad - i'm also tried of people telling me how to care for my pets but that's a whole other thing - but yes i need a good dog food that will promote good skin and nails on my big dog and then i need a good food to feed the puppy b/c she doesn't ned speaical food - now some how i think buying 2 kinds of dog food is stupid but perhaps that's what i need to start doing it would certanly save $$$$ but then i need a place to store it ... i als o need to fine a hose with a meatal atachment on one end and a plactic attacment on the other or plumers tape and a 14 inch floescanty bulb for ta cat room so hey arent' just hanging in the dar i have alot that i need to get done on sat when i 'm at the house and i don't know how long my leg will let me work at this point but no one out ther can do it so it will have to be me =)

i am looking forward to being home agian very much they tapped my knee at PT yeasterday and i can walk abot 5 very small stairs at this point so that's a start we are not getting in the hard part of theorpy where it hurts - which seams kinda stupid but ti works so i keep going

and i shall quit venting now
phoenix_arose: (angel back)
 so yes  have been putting off the emotional healing b/c i need to be physically better  be for i can even start on that shit - before the accident i was heading for a small break down ... i kept saying i needed to slow down, i needed a break, i needed some time off. I needed that timew to get my head clear - it's still not clear plus there was the accident. emotions quicky took a ny of the energy i had for the day - so here i am 2 days from going back to work and i work up this morning crying  i moved to the living room and  Stay cam to mind then a whole host of other things. i spent most of the moring just crying  while i pulled the lyrics above. 

I cried b/c i feel lost broken and un wanted, b/c i feel help less to fix so much in my life, b/c i'm frusterated that i couldn't go back to work sooner, that my legs still don't work quite right, that i'm still all busted up from over 2 weeks ago, b/c i don't know what the hell is goin on or is going to happen with matt and i ( yes i can control that abit),b/c strangly enough  i'm scared to go to work, b/c i miss my pets, b/c i can't do some things for my self, b/c i'm just frusterated.

the music video for what hurts the most  by rascal flatts .... was um very upsetting b/c that could have been excatly what happened  - i could have died several people have told me there is no way that we should have survived the accident at all .... that's just werid b/c I never had a "OMG-i'm-going-to-die" moment  all the way thru the thing 

I've also spent alot of time comforting the people around me who were/are worried  about me being okay .... to drive to walk to see to shower by my self, to do any thing - i've beent the one telling them that i'm okay i'm going to be okay it 's going to be fine ... that sounds funny  but that's most of what i did the 1st 4 days or so convinced peopl that i am really okay.

My eye color has changed  it's lighter and ________er ( been told green and purple) since the crash - i've been to the eye doc he says my eyes are 100% okay  now weird damage from the crash. 

i'm dying to see matt - now that i can walk a bit better i'm haveing that oh so  primal urge to have lots of sex ( just don't touch my bruises)  my doc told me this is normal - it's life affirming  it's also on a very base level an affermation that the cuts on my face and neck and the scares are not going to run him off that i'm not too ugly to look  at  b/c some place in there that worries me too. 

i just found out that i'm due back at 7 am on wednesday  that's cool one extra day -   i need to spend the next couple days  letting all the emotioanl stuff out  b/c if i cart all the extra baggage in to work i'm going to suck at my job   sigh i'm really tired now i think i will attempt a book and nap un till i'm due in at PT fpr the day
phoenix_arose: (morning ducks)
In Europe they think over 88 is extremly hot ........ well i had thought about flip side but this would kill 2 birds with one stone - i could see spain and do a large burn event - in more tempearte weather and perhaps pop in to morrocco to see a friend too ..... come back via the UK and yes yes that could be an excelant trip

So I got a call from R. last night around midnight - i had been dozing in bed - i had hoped it would be matt ... no such luck but very good to hear from R. any way and i realized somethng this morning

Samtosha - Contentment, cultivating the inner joys which come with freedom from desire so plainly contentement with out apathy
i'm all my agony about matt i'm missing something - not excatly taking it for granted but just failing to approciate it for it's full worth. I have alot of people who do care for me. love me even in some cases are in love with me. So Why Am I Stressing it ... i don't know bu i woke up this moring and ar thoguht back on the breif convo with R. and releaized that i need to do a couple things

1 - detach for what others think about me and my releationships - it's goo to hear others options but i should not allow them to stress me this much
2 - i need to back off matt - he's not doing anything wrong i need to trust him - i knew this was going to be hard i encouraged him to go b/c he deserves to chase his dreams - so do i but one dream at a time $$ is all we can afford
3 - matt and i need to find out what is and is not okay for me as far as touch it's something that i HAVE to have wheather this means me goign tout ther by train once a month of him flying home once a moth or we open this relationship up a bit how ever we do it i don't care just needs to be done
4 - i need a vaction - work stress + not sleeping + money stress = crazier linz than normal - i need to take it easy
5 - i need to get out more this is hard to do when tired but i am just goignt ot have to force myself to do it - just have to that's all there is to that i need people around me i need to get the dogs out and social ize them - i need to make time to nurture my soul myself this summer

Good morning !!!!!!!!!
phoenix_arose: (morning ducks)
Today would not be a day to dick with me - i'm tired the insomnia is totally out of control now we are talking less 3 hours a night - and the really frightening thing is my body is adjusting to it. Body is altaully lettig me run my self in to the ground. This morning i am alert and coherant (and freezing ) i'm also pissed i have at least in part discovered what is causeing me to wake up every 15- 30 mins - Matt. He will say " i'll call you back later tonight" instead of actually talking to me when i call and then my stupid-girl-brain keeps waking me up for fear of missing a call that never fucking comes. I'm not sure how to stop this - the part of the brain that's doing it is not something that i can control. So what to do .... Other issues contributing to lack of sleep 1. job.... no job? job.... no job? job.... no job? job.... no job? job.... no job? job.... no job? job.... no job? 2. normal lindsey doesn't sleep well things.

I'm in a extremely bad mood this morning as well i sould have captured the IM i had with Matt - he agreeed to call me and respond to my e-mail last night - there ws no phone call last night and no e-mail this morning - my pacients has worn thin - i'm starting to really wonder what the deal is with this avoidance thing - i picked small fight yeasterday and got a few answers but the big questions where in the e-mail that he has been sending ASAP since yesterday at 1 pm ....

*sigh* Part of my hyer reation to everything is lack of sleep - i know this and i can cognitively releaize that i ned to gage down my emotional and mental responces to every thing but it's really hard - i don't wanna slip in to appathy but i am tired of feeling everythig like it was life or death.

geez okay veting should stop for now

Weekend looks like
Today -> R. after work maybe
Friday -> work then on to a plane for Tulsa
Sat-> 70th b-day party
Sunday -> more party and then fly home
Monday -> work
Tuesday - > last day of work ..... maybe ?
phoenix_arose: (bite me)

i hate :
where i'm working b/c they keep lying to me -
where i am in life b/c i can't afford to follow my dreams with out going flat broke -
living in a life where one person has temporaitly walked out of it -
having only 4 footed "childern" for company
knowing that i can't go and do b/c i am just not making enought $$
knowing that i don't have something lined up after this
realizing that it's not going to be better for a long time years even
not being me b/c i can't/ or don't know how any more
needing a moment to be weak and not having anyone to be strong so i have to just keep going


i go home now
phoenix_arose: (earth Flame)
i had a bad day LJ ate my post this is the impoatnt thing  - some one said it better

One more kiss could be the best thing
But one more lie could be the worst
And all these thoughts are never resting
And you're not something I deserve

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me

You love me but you dont know who I am
I'm tore between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you dont know who I am
So let me go
Let me go

I dream ahead to what I hope for
And I turn my back on loving you
How can this love be a good thing
When I know what I'm goin through

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me

You love me but you dont know who I am
I'm tore between this life I lead and where I stand
You love me but you dont know who I am
So let me go
Just Let me goo...
Let me go

And no matter how hard I try
I can't escape these things inside I know
I knowww..
When all the pieces fall apart
You will be the only one who knows
Who knows

You love me but you dont know who I am
I'm tore between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you dont know Who I am
So let me go
Just let me go

and you me but you dont
you love me but you dont
you love me but you dont know who I am
and you love me but you dont
you love me but you dont
you love me but you dont know me
phoenix_arose: (Valenrian House)

i went to yoga on thursday called "transformational yoga" - oh my god i am sore - it was like get a deep tissue masge - alot of the knots that i had were worked out and the toxins hiding in there. oh yes not a good feeling - wellit was good but i felt like a ton of bricks hit me - it pushed me and ws starting to clear some of the mental bull sh*t. In Theory when your practicing you are supposed to be focusing on your body. how ever they also teach you that emotions hid in muscle groups. this is also the 1st time ina long time that i have had a miror around while i practiced - which lets you get a super good look at your body. I found my self agruing with matt and kris and hating how my body looks not how it feels but how it appears inthe mirror *HATE* that ws kinda surprising to me ... normally i don't care but i found my self breating me for letting my body look this way .. the pudge around the middle, the chicken arms, the theights that are too fat and just what i found with out my glasses on i don't even what to think what would happen had i actual been able to see anyting.

I don't know if it was the risidual gym effect or what but that was not good. Also found my self going over all the mistakes i had made at work and telling my self that i wasnot good enought to be hired and also all the b.s with matt that come ina flood .. it was really not a good mental heath day.

I'm still feeling a little off about the whole thing and i am 100% sure that this is hormonal in part, but it's makeing me crazy !

i had a GREAT time last night at the party though - it was good to see every one there and just chat and play withthe kiddos .... yeas there wewer babies ther - i on't know why but kids just love me ... it's that mothering everyone thing i think ... sigh i really don't wanna be in that house by myself i would really rather get a smaller apartment that could just be mine - that way i wouldn't feel like i needed a room mate -- arg i don't know but i' all tense and upset feeling today

oh yes and agrivated at the boy - "i'll be right back " gdoes not mean coming bak at 1 am tomorrow mornig ..... stupid males
phoenix_arose: (pawn)
I'm wanting to create something ... write, draw, paint, make a newsletter, something. However, I have a great big block - it's not that I don't have any ideas, I just don't have a way of getting it to come out properly. It's like there is a great big plug keeping me from doing it.

I love coloring books - but I can't ever seem to draw anything
I love playing music and singing - I'm unable to write music
I love making things - if there is a structure to follow

I guess I'm not an initiator - perhaps that's what it is - I'm not sure.


So in reflection on my situation with my S.O. -

I think that Nice Guys fall into this trap. No excuses are offered here so bear with me. They don't want to hurt someone's feelings in that effort to be nice. There are girls/women who cannot separate nice guy-friend from oh-my-he-is-dating-me. The fault lays in both places. By the time you are out of high school, the male should know that being nice can be misconstrued as "dating" and females should have learned to draw the line. I think this stems from society - as it is now, there really isn't a place for "straight male friend who likes to hang out and do stuff." It has to be 1. dating 2. dating exclusively 3. playing 4. hanging out with friends ooooorrrrrr......5. cheating (only eligible if you are in a relationship). Why is that?

To define
1. Dating: going places and doing things with one or more people. Yes, group dating is included under this category. Also some poly relationships ... actually Poly really just belongs here - it also belongs in other places, too, but here is a good place to start. Every one knows what's going on. Out with Dan on Tuesday seeing Marry and Tom on Friday, Saturday going out with friends from work. Those are all dates.(suggestions welcome)

2. Dating exclusively for me is specifically not having dates with anyone else. NOT: Ken and Barbie on the couch snuggling up while watching the notebook while his girlfriend Heather is advised not to be home. - now if Heather was included in this movie night that would be okay. Then Heather and a group of people coming by to hang out - still cool so long as Heather is included or invited.

3. Being a player: Dating several people and telling them that it's exclusive when it's not. This is not dating... it's dating gone totally wrong ...

4. This can fall under dating too in a very broad sense .... "I have a lunch date with my friend tomorrow."

5. You are in a committed relationship of some sort and you start engaging in any of the above categories with out letting your partner(s) know ....

Okay, so here's where I get all pissy - I can't stand "don't ask, don't tell" policies b/c this is lying. If that's what makes you happy, fine. Me? I'm poly. I get that people get attracted to other people. It happens, whether it's hot pants (lust) or love for the body or the mind - it happens. And so long as you're open and honest about it, I find that to be an okay thing

in the US, societally speaking, "we" are not okay with that. Cheating is the nice thing to do because then you don't have to tell your S.O. that you like someone else. And then you hope that they never find out. It makes no sense, either, but there it is.

This thing with Matt got started that way. The chick was having a rough time. He wanted to be nice, but in being nice she got all attached because he was taking her out and doing cool things with her. He let her think what he she wanted. Matt encouraged this because in trying again to be nice he never told her that this was not the case, neither by actions nor words, thus "cheating".

I felt like I ended up in the middle because honestly I don't really care if Matt hangs out with his friends of either gender / sex but I don't think I should be excluded from that. Perhaps this is unreasonable but my thought on it is this: Are these people important in your life? "Yes." Well then I would like to know them if you wanna spend time without me - without your girlfriend ... yes that's called boys night. I get that - you want mixed company over to do something you know I won't be interested in. Well the least you could do is invite me. You want to entertain a female at our house and require that I not be there... um, no, unless we have that kind of relationship, which goes both ways.

I understand that as a couple, alone time is a must - everyone needs and wants it. I also understand that people need time away from each other (away from S.O. with other people in a non-romantic/sexual way). And as stated above, I understand the need to be away from each other and with other people in a romantic/sexual way, providing that is the way your relationship is set up.

What I'm driving at, I guess, is why are we, as a society, programing people to be this way where polyamory is taboo and we have to keep attempting to cram people in to boxes that they don't fit in to, encouraging them to lie about their human needs to be with other people.


So. Where am I? Well, I have been asking a lot of questions both in my head and out loud - and some of the answers are disturbing. Both mine and his. Right now, the head noise, my inner monologue, is down to a dull whisper. But every time his phone rings, I get predatory. I have a hard time believing him when he says "mom/dad/family member" and then walks out of the room to talk. When he and I are instant messaging, I have this urge to know exactly who he is talking to and what is he saying. Which understandably upsets him - not what I'm going for. It bugs me that when I walk by and he's on the computer he shuts the top of the computer, even when there is no way I could see anything. He doesn't want to talk about it any more because I think in his mind it's over and done. He says he's not talking to her any more or seeing her and that should be good enough... but that's not good enough for my crushed feelings and trust. *big sigh* I am just tired of having to second guess myself - mostly that is what I find myself upset about - this has caused me to doubt my instincts and feelings and him...


In other news, I have a garden! =) Now I have to decide what to plant in it.
phoenix_arose: (feeling fae)
there isnot inner monolog update todat because all i hav wouldhave to say is i'm done i quit and i'm going hme - the jerks onthe phone made me cry .... they don't pay me to cry i'm tired and need lots o hugs =)
phoenix_arose: (pawn)
the good news : i have a ipod shuffle - yay for gifts !

now here is my promised running comentary it was busy today so i didn't get to vent much as i wouldhave liked to for your protection )
phoenix_arose: (Call center)
from now untill the end of this hellish season i will be keeping a running commentary of my thougths instead of screamingthem to my walls - in an effort to beeter understand why someof these people piss me off - some of it will be boring some of it may be educational and some of it may be funny but i don't thin i want to subject everyone here to it =)

so it will be tagged - and cut - it will be spell checked but not grammer b/c the little program does not have gramer check availible - you have been warned XX


phoenix_arose: (Default)
Lindsey Swem

June 2013



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