phoenix_arose: (Amy brown - golden)

Seriously - i'm just tired and i'm starting to get concerned - *zen manta voice*

It will get better it will get better it will get better

Read more... )
phoenix_arose: (ON with the Show)
Your external beauty is a reflection of what's inside. The way you allow the Goddess and the Fire to move you is an inspiring sight to behold.
I really enjoyed when we used to go for coffee and have great conversations. I admire your desire to achieve the kind of life you really want, and how that desire continued to burn even after some serious setbacks. I really hope that you are able to reach your desires.

You are strong and determined. You can be iron willed one moment and a creature of the fey the next . . . a being of firelight and grace.

It would be easier to answer "What don't I like about you." First off, you're the first female who's boobs I saw in real life that I wasn't dating. That right there puts you in a special place in my heart. But seriously, you were my main rock through much of getting acclamated into this group, and this culture. If I had any questions (of which there were many) you always took the time to explain it all to me. You were the first person to point out that I was in love with Katie, even though I still wouldn't admit it myself. But more then any of that, you have a gift for empathy. You can hone in on a person's feelings and share in their mood, whether glum or cheery. It makes you incredibly easy to be around, and an incredible friend.

Your external beauty is a reflection of what's inside. The way you allow the Goddess and the Fire to move you is an inspiring sight to behold.

 saving this for later

phoenix_arose: (Default)
For several weeks I've seen more than the average amount of commercials for "Wayne Wright," the social security disability law firm.  They always get me thinking about what work life balance looks like for someone with an invisible illness, or perhaps any illness. 
I've tried over the last year to explain to my manager, because he asks out of genuine concern, what it's like.  He's healthy and his family is healthy and there isn't a good way to explain the intricate dance of my life, all parts of it, and my disease. 
My review is tomorrow (thank God). That will hopefully help some of this self-doubt I've been feeling. 
But back to work life balance. I'm not sure how to have a life at this point. It started with James' inexplicable vomiting for months (finally explained=gallbladder) and ended (in a way) at my finally seeking help and treatment for the crippling pain. I've been trying to keep my job - so, before Aiden I would come home, cook, do some cleaning and then hit the sack and attempt to get a good nights sleep. Post Aiden it means I come home and pray that he's not too active and I can get a little rest before hopefully getting some sleep. 
I can't garden, go places, spend time with friends, cook dinner, or do more than a few minutes of cleaning without eating in to the "spoons" I need for work or taking care of Aiden the next day. 
Aiden definitely needs fewer spoons than work does. 
What I'm struggling with is that while I feel blessed with my husband and kid and job, I would like to be able to have more life with out fear of losing my job. In my head it goes something like this: "I want to spend the day out with Aiden (or go to the gym or go camping or take Aiden to a park, just him and me, or garden) but tomorrow the cost is I come in "drunk" for lack of spoons because no matter how fun that thing I want to do is it costs big time for me."  
If one of my co-workers was alcoholic and came in drunk or hung over all the time because they made choices to "have fun" the day before, I'd not feel too odd if they were fired. 
To me getting enough rest to perform your job is part of the contract with work.  Just like cutting the booze off early on a work night would be. 
I like working a lot, I do. I even have found that I'm coming around to liking my co workers. But I desperately need life balance and I can't have that with the fibromyalgia. 
Some days I think I'd have rather have cancer because it's curable (treatable) or it kills you (I  don't want the death part - to be clear I'm not passively or actively seeking my death).  people understand it - you have signs on the outside - you're ill. People get that. It's hard to wrap your head around this life altering thing that's now you. They can fix it. The "treat the symptoms" is right out for me - I can't work and take those drugs. 
So I guess what I'm looking for is other people's thoughts on this. 
Is it fair to want a life that impacts my ability to work and get to keep my job? 
Would I have been a leech on benefits if I hadn't fought tooth and nail to keep my job and collected my disability, and then have a life? 
Perplexed Lindsey is perplexed and a little heart broken that  the fibromyalgia is not going to ever be fixed.
phoenix_arose: (Default)
Its been a sort of funny few weeks at my house. James and I had been discussing if/when we want to try for Another kid. My period was over a week late I finally sat down and advised the powers that be that this would be the wrong time to have another baby and 24 hours later I has one of those miserable heavy periods. Then my great grandpa was given only a fa days to live. I drove to KS in the Process I spent a fair bit of time in the DFW area; one would think that this would cause me to think if Matt but really my mind (and iPod) wandered to Kris.... It settled in and I found myself wondering what he's up to and why we can't be friends. In the end it doesn't matter but I do still miss him as a human somedays. To be clear I don't miss him as a person I used to date or sleep with. gotye hit it on the head now he's just somebody that I used to know.

I'm a little sad that we aren't ready to have another kiddo several people just got preggers again and we were preggers at the same time last time would have been nice to do again. *sigh*
phoenix_arose: (Default)
It's been a painful night .... This kinda sucks tomorrow I get to pretend like its all better
phoenix_arose: (Default)
i've recently been working thru why i feel the way io do about somethings not because "i must know why" but more sudden realizations that "oh that way i feel this way". i was explaining to someone about why muslim women wear a head scarf and while we were chatting i said that if 911 had not happened i'd probably wear one. It's a modestly thing. i find my hair to be very sensual (not sexual) and this is really why i wear my hair in a pony tail or a bun most of the time. i find people touching my hair very person and if it's up then people can't and don't wanna touch it. paradoxically i'd probably spend more time fixing my hair if i felt i could cover it "in public".

more later #figuringsh!tout
phoenix_arose: (family)
My grandpa send James and I Walmart gift cards for Christmas. Normally we don't shop there because of my ethics and James being from a town where it was the only place to shop. I spend 2 hours this morning roaming the aisles I did do a little of the weekly shopping there I'd forgotten how affordable something's can be. Anyway, once I find my lost "S" hook I now haves complete set of crochet hooks. Only thing holding me back from any project/skill is acquiring the string. Picked up a new set of glasses(drinking not optical). the wonderful ones @Jeffrey Yasskin bought us as wedding gifts sadly did not survive the room mates intact.  Got some organizational stuff like a cube for my yarn and vacuum bags for my stuffed animals. Not a bad trip, but I don't see us going back to regular shopping there. 

 The last giftmas stuff arrived yesterday. It was a case for my mom's iPad. You've no idea how hard it was to find a case for something other than an iPad 2. I am hoping she likes it and it gives the confidence to take the iPad with her places and not worry about breaking it.  Our case came in too! See james and breathing a sigh of relief; it's mostly Aiden's iPad so now we can be less panicky when he carries it off some place.

Speaking of Aiden the weaning is going pretty well. I'm really not sure where the time went next thing I know he'll be leaving for college! 

I'm still a bit lonely doing this parent thing I've decided I need to print this( and hand/mail it out to people that I'm missing. It's currently filed in my someone said it better links. 

I'm going to finish my slippers and go back to sleep

Cheers folks  happy new years  may this year be a little less difficult then 2011.
phoenix_arose: (Default)
Spent the day plottinng world domination. Fibro sucks.

In grinch land I'm about o start blocking james' relatives' post on Facebook one more annoying copy and paste job about how holiday trees are some how a direct stab at christanity or happy holiday is taking the Christ out of Christmas and I'm going to read the the whole history of all the symbols of their holiday and then I suspect non of them will ever speak to me again. I'm kinda ok with that.

Second item of note please o not invite me to be a bridesmaid at your wedding then tell me 3 months b4 the wedding that only your sister in law to be is being allowed to bring her children aiden is not welcome to the wedding ...... It over an hour away and you want me to stay overnight ..... How about no! I didn't say no because she's one of my best friends but I have to say I'm a little pissed at her right now.

In happy news James is 99% quit! And while my in laws vist was less than pleasant and cost use about 200$ they did take the cat from our upstairs room thank the gods

James should hear this week about his promotion and pay raise also god things

Now to sleep if the migraine will let me
phoenix_arose: (ON with the Show)
 Under skirt 
Pants if i want them
 Skirt: long  short  and  plain

 and a belly dance link

the baby

Mar. 15th, 2010 07:40 pm
phoenix_arose: (Default)
day 3 or there about NSFW baby eating )
phoenix_arose: (Default)
glad i sent james to the store yesterday for food, i don't think i could have paid him to go today . we had meat and nothing else here. in other news yay snow
phoenix_arose: (Default)
  • aiden can burp louder and longer than some drunk frat boys i know
  • ham not dairy turns his tummy upside down
  • you can nurse in your sleep(i woke up sleeping on his shoulder while he was eating away
  •  you must have a blood transfusion when your Hematocrit reaches 7.9; i've been at 8.1 since they sliced me open to evict aiden
  • PUPPS sucks i feel for women who have while pregnant this post partum thing has sucked but as i get more of my blood and work out aiden's non matching blood they are getting better and i should only have a few scars from where i scratched a hole in my hide
  • if you never paid attention to poop before you will after you give birth, for at least a few weeks
  • swaddling is the good stuff if you make babies sleep on their back, their arms will startle them out of a deep sleep every time
  • it's possible for his to nurse one edge of a nipple till its callused.... his tongue is that talented i guess
  • there really is a difference btwn the "fore milk" and "hind milk" one looks like no fat milk and the other looks like whole milk, i know this  because he eats so fast it runs out the sides of his little mouth
  • breast milk is VERY sticky
  • babies don't have nails they have razor blade attached to the ends of their fingers and toes, i have the cuts on breasts and tummy to prove it *ouch*
  • you must sleep with your baby the 1st couple days/week seriously i know they tell all new moms this but for real do it , birth is not easy no mater how they get here
  • L&D nurses are part sadists, that "palpating" thing they do to your stomach after birth should be called punching or beating
  • pee is sterile and that's a good thing , if you have a boy please plan on getting pee-ed  on several times sometimes 2 or 3 times in one change
  • blood sticks  to hair, even if you have to brave your S.O. doing it  shave before you give birth
  • if you don't deliver vaginally  don't be surprised if you are ready to have sex with in days of having the kiddo, this waiting thing sucks!
  • you know you are working your "snot sucker" right when the kiddo starts screaming, other wise they seem to not mid
  • babies sleep better on their tummies...... SIDS is serious so they can't.
  •  babies make gasping for air noises in their sleep, i think this is just to panic 1st time moms.
  • small loads of laundry are your friend, get a washer that lets you set very small loads
  • the diaper was the strpe that tells you  if they are wet or dirty or both are really nice in the middle of the night and you sleep deprived
  • some times you just need a cuddle it trumps hungery and just about any thing else
  • some times all he wants is the water milk, just switch sides and moved on; your supposed to nurse 25 mins a side
phoenix_arose: (family)
 i was going to post the journey to mother hood here but u need to sleep perhaps later today
phoenix_arose: (earth Flame)
 it's a baby     more pic later
phoenix_arose: (baby)
one of my co workers is about 4-5 weeks behind me with her baby. She has had such a physically difficult pregnancy , i am EXTREMELY grateful that mine has been mostly a breeze and the only really disappointing thing for me is that i don't get to labor(yes i am nuts).

 still waiting to get to a computer with a  working disc drive so i can upload the reat of my belly bump pics

The house is mostly together (or about as together as it's ever going to be, the kiddo has a place to sleep, clothes, diapers,  and all the other millions of little things that  that my huge baby will need once he's here. the car seat needs to be installed in my car; my bag, the diaper bag, James' bag and the pack and play need to be loaded in to the car

 The current plan calls for the C- section to be  on 12.30.09 at 9 am, ui get 4 days in the hospital(unless something goes totally wrong) so i should be able to got to my mom's  on the 2nd or 3rd depending on how insurance counts the "days". i'll stay at mom's house till my birthda, since that will be the 1st day off James has so i will for sure have help at the house. Mom will be in and out i'm sure but she is allergic to my fur babies, which is why i'm staying at her house the 1st couple days  reather than her staying here where we have a had tiem containg the cats dander. By the time the let me go home i could be able to get up and out for short bits of time so long as i'm  not the one driving. My research seems to inicate that  i can't be the one driving for at least 2 weeks.  this is a huge drag

Still a bit diffcult to believe that in 3 days i'll get to see the little monster i've been growning all year. it's even stranger that we will calmly drive to the hospital and just have a baby, no labor no contractions no paniced daddy.

 i think i've serfed the inter webs enought for today i should prbably find me a food, take a nap, and drink some more water 

Also i find i don't miss work. i thought i'd be going bonkers with out a "job" todo but mostly i've been dooing theh incubator thing and some light cleaning.  once Aidens out and i'm able to get up and do stuff i could see how being a house wife would agree with me alot
phoenix_arose: (baby2)

just as a note, you can still join in the fun! at this point i think we will end up awarding stuff for lenght and weight since it seems i'm in for a c-section. feel free to update your guess at

fortyhose who have been out of the loop the c-section is 9 am on 12.30.09
phoenix_arose: (Default)
i figure uodating here i better then moving the furniture, So  3 roomate haev no job one is supoaseed the be payin he bills (he managed to pay rent) by doing chores. no chores have been done. The 3 of them were awake and yelling at the video games in the liveing(right next to my bedroom at 3:30 this morning) it was keeping James from sleeping. please not he has a job.  working o a daily weekly chore list so that sine the roommate apperantly can't lok at teh house and see that stuff needs to get done. they then like small childern or teenagers  will be able to look at a list. does any one wonder what the 3 of them are doing while i was about to start moving the furniture around? they are all sleeping,  and they wonder why they have not found a joba yet ..... Other wise stuiff is stating tyo come togetehr , i need to go clean out my car, install the car seat. then i need to  organized the master clothset  so i can organize aiden stuff in there(like blankets and bath stuff).

everything else that needs to get done is "too heavy"  so i need on of these jokers to get up and do it Aiden is head down and pushing today no contractions, his head feels like a battering ram on a  fortress door right at the moment  now that i've vented ui'm feelign better and off to do what is not 'too heavy"

phoenix_arose: (Default)
- to be greatful as this is the last time for a couple months you be able to sleep nekkid if you enjoy doing so
- have lots of sex! this is off the menu for at least a couple weeks post delivery
- enjoy being able to just go with only you and your keys and cell phone ( from here out i understand that leaving the house will be a large scale production)
- be prepared to have to check in with every one on a daily basis other wise you will have a slew of VM asking if your okay when you are 2 mins late any place
- be aware that any time you call (family) they will drop everything to answer, just in case this is the "i'm headed to the hospital" call
- cleaning and organizing are not he same thing but both can happen with nesting. i could case less if if it's "clean" but every thing needs to be organized *NOW* i want to label every thing

In other TMI news - i'm already tired of my boobs leaking, i realized that this will get worse before it gets better but it's just stopped being fun waking up with boobs and arms covered in pre milk. this was what cause me to appreciate that i don't have to sleep with a bra on yet
phoenix_arose: (boondock- the question)
any one know anything about how to take care of/trim bradford pears and silver Maple trees?

the pears need to be trimed and i need to figure out what the heck we should do with out poor maple

i can supply pictures if that help



phoenix_arose: (Default)
Lindsey Swem

June 2013



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