Phoenix Arose

this is one of those days i want to curl up and die so that i can move on to dealing withthe next frucked up thinkg that is going on in my life this week

So my land lord has not been paying the morgage ... my house is in for coloser i am moving at months end - where ..... that's a fine question

there is no one here i can talk to about any of this and the person who should be supporting me appeantly thinks caring means being to busy to call me backa nd talk to me about shit well thanks you matt for you help and support today that's just perfect -



how's in austin are all out the right price range a i am goignto have to be on the lease by my self - i have two dogs ( thanks again Matt) that can't be put in a apartment and i can't affpord to move my house hold cloer in for the same $$$


Today is a day not to dick with me as i'm am littler all at the end of my rope

Ofically the PT is paying off ..... i walked very slowly up and down the stairs at my house yeaster day multipule times - i'm not saying i did it wel or fast or that it didin't hurt but i did it =) it's progress also on friday i walked down the stairs slowly and not too painfully =)

Healing is happening very slowly i and i can feel it my legs are getting stronger and i need to do my "homework" so that it keeps getting better faster there is maked inmprovement inthe bruises too soon i will be back up and danceing it will be good


I spend yesterday after noon at my ouse gettign the cable back up and the net work up and running i had to uninstaqllthe Mcafee to get it working but - that's okay i needed to get the phones to work and i'll have dad re install the Mcafee so that the computer is happy again =)


the housei also much cleaner there was aalot of dust in the house that needd to be swept and moped and the wood ned cleaned and polish and the energy was crappy so i light the house hold candle and someincense and did a mini grounding centering cleaning ritual for my house so that when i come home it won't be all wonky still


Talked to matt Last night that was very very vey good for me and and think excelant for both of us - i ned to be looking in to the cheapest flight i ccan get out to AZ in sept and i need to req off (done) hope fully i get it hope fully i have enought vaction by thn not to worry toomuch about it

i am desperately ready to see him it's getting better every day it's not perfect - but i don't need perfection =)

okay little know fact i used to cut - not as an angsty preteen thing i was cutting b4 i was in puberty - i contiuned to cut allthe way thru h.s. - i don't any more, that doesn't mean that i don't think about it - mostly i can chanal it in to a more productive outlet for it i'll color something incredibly detailed or i'll take sid walk chalk to my whole drive way. I go to the botanical gardens and take pics of flowers and trees. walk along paths inthe gardens that are calming and soothing for me.


On the really bad days when non of this is working i start thining about branding, scarifcation and tattoos - b/c for me that's what cutting was always about it wasnot about dying i didn't want to leave this place - it wasnot about attention i always wore long sleaves so no one knew or noticed (normally ) - it was about getting what i was dealling with on the inside out where it was visually represented outside all the soul wounds all the cut marks on my hear t i wanted them out where i could see them - where later people could see them as a warning to stay away b/c i'm f*ed up in the head. so that i would never have try and tellthe stories about my life that caused my heart and soul to be wounded and slowly bleeding to death. any abused person will tell you that unless you too have been abused you can't really grok what it does to you long term. there are things that are completely irrational that you do or don't do b/c of this one event - and normal people just never understand it.


Someone once suggested that people like me should not date normal people b/c we mess the nornaml people up we shoudl be segrigated and only date other f*ed up people. That might be a fine theory.

Today i have moved passed wanting my tats passed branding passed scaifcation i wasn my knife ... i want to mark this on the out side i want to see my blood flow so it's just not on the inside any more - i don't wanna die - i DO NOT want to kill myself i do just need to get all this pain out


what's causing it you ask that has pushed me over the edge

- money -

the constant un knowing of matt and i current situation i know what the long term is and i'm okay with that but the day in and day out wondering where we stand whter or not this newest attraction in az is something i need to worry about - he says not but damn it's just hard somedays - i do believe him - i'm just tired of haveing to take everythign he tells me on his word a word that was broken in dec and word that is being broken now . it's hard for me to trust - i don't think he gets that



breathes and now that i feel all emo - i'm going to log off here and try to workand not cry at work today


is it vaction yet ?


“My body is my journal,and my tattoos are my story”

Johnny Depp

Sometimes people just doen't know when to quit .....  you ever been so mad that you are physically shaking with rage and hate .... it was like that today. Since dec i releaize that i have accepted "hate" back in to my life i am disapointed with that - but i think it's a nessicarry step 


there is a short list of  people, should i ever wanna kill myself , i'm taking out 1st =) one of them poked at me the other day  they still need to die slowly and painfully ..... 


*sigh* i go back to cleaning my brothers room now

Today would not be a day to dick with me - i'm tired the insomnia is totally out of control now we are talking less 3 hours a night - and the really frightening thing is my body is adjusting to it. Body is altaully lettig me run my self in to the ground. This morning i am alert and coherant (and freezing ) i'm also pissed i have at least in part discovered what is causeing me to wake up every 15- 30 mins - Matt. He will say " i'll call you back later tonight" instead of actually talking to me when i call and then my stupid-girl-brain keeps waking me up for fear of missing a call that never fucking comes. I'm not sure how to stop this - the part of the brain that's doing it is not something that i can control. So what to do .... Other issues contributing to lack of sleep 1. job.... no job? job.... no job? job.... no job? job.... no job? job.... no job? job.... no job? job.... no job? 2. normal lindsey doesn't sleep well things.


I'm in a extremely bad mood this morning as well i sould have captured the IM i had with Matt - he agreeed to call me and respond to my e-mail last night - there ws no phone call last night and no e-mail this morning - my pacients has worn thin - i'm starting to really wonder what the deal is with this avoidance thing - i picked small fight yeasterday and got a few answers but the big questions where in the e-mail that he has been sending ASAP since yesterday at 1 pm ....


*sigh* Part of my hyer reation to everything is lack of sleep - i know this and i can cognitively releaize that i ned to gage down my emotional and mental responces to every thing but it's really hard - i don't wanna slip in to appathy but i am tired of feeling everythig like it was life or death.


geez okay veting should stop for now


Weekend looks like
Today -> R. after work maybe
Friday -> work then on to a plane for Tulsa
Sat-> 70th b-day party
Sunday -> more party and then fly home
Monday -> work
Tuesday - > last day of work ..... maybe ?

it has been a long fucked up week here in my world - i'm physically and emotionally exhused - and if i knew for sure that part of my family would not be upset i would forgo this blessed trip to Scarb and dallas all together and stay at home and sleep and work on my house .....

that is not he case

Monday - work backto land o muggles
Tuesday - Interview, Empolyyee of the month meeting, volt meeting, writted warning for burrning incence inthe smokeing section at work
wednesday- volt meeting, emergancey meeting with volt so stupid slut in volt office at apple could give me my write up, home
Thurday - OT supposed to go by mom's place totally forgot - got plane tix of OK trip 3-4th
Friday here i sit just dreaming about staying home ...... *sigh* oh well


i have ot today as well and i have to og by mom's place after work i can not for get can not
My body is choosing to engagin proff o am a breedable women this week as well which adds and edge to everything i didin't need - i'm still al pissy with matt of something he contiunes to applogized for but hasn't stopped doing yet ........ bah *hands herself some cheese to go wit my whine*

i turned the other job offer i had - this was likly stupid but it really just was not enoguht $$ - so it would have sucked any way the crazy peple calling in to day are goign to have me breaking my teeth from griting them i have no idea if there is any money that is un budgeted in my account so i have no idea if i can go get breakfast or lunch ..... i'm tired of that it's startign to piss me off i've worked too hard for to have to be wondering shit like that ... bah =P

i think i'm done now

so last night i had a dream

i was working at "world market" type store in Dallas and the couple i was assisting was looking a these bowls full of orchids (fresh ones piled in bowls like rose petals purple and red ones in case any one cares). the couple had knocked a whole bowl of them over and i was cleaning them up off the floor, when matt walks up and scared me by tappng my shoulder - after which he proceeds to tell me that he needs me to wite down 6 times that "i have a birth mark in the the shape of a cloud on my right leg " so as to i.d. me to the county office where, if i'm willing, he will be getting a marirage licence. i have already started writing, while still picking up flowers, and all of a sudden that last bit clicks .... marriage !!!! i stop toss the flowers out of my hands and give him a huge hug and kiss .. then the alarm when to off as matt was leaveing for the court house.
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