Phoenix Arose

okay little know fact i used to cut - not as an angsty preteen thing i was cutting b4 i was in puberty - i contiuned to cut allthe way thru h.s. - i don't any more, that doesn't mean that i don't think about it - mostly i can chanal it in to a more productive outlet for it i'll color something incredibly detailed or i'll take sid walk chalk to my whole drive way. I go to the botanical gardens and take pics of flowers and trees. walk along paths inthe gardens that are calming and soothing for me.


On the really bad days when non of this is working i start thining about branding, scarifcation and tattoos - b/c for me that's what cutting was always about it wasnot about dying i didn't want to leave this place - it wasnot about attention i always wore long sleaves so no one knew or noticed (normally ) - it was about getting what i was dealling with on the inside out where it was visually represented outside all the soul wounds all the cut marks on my hear t i wanted them out where i could see them - where later people could see them as a warning to stay away b/c i'm f*ed up in the head. so that i would never have try and tellthe stories about my life that caused my heart and soul to be wounded and slowly bleeding to death. any abused person will tell you that unless you too have been abused you can't really grok what it does to you long term. there are things that are completely irrational that you do or don't do b/c of this one event - and normal people just never understand it.


Someone once suggested that people like me should not date normal people b/c we mess the nornaml people up we shoudl be segrigated and only date other f*ed up people. That might be a fine theory.

Today i have moved passed wanting my tats passed branding passed scaifcation i wasn my knife ... i want to mark this on the out side i want to see my blood flow so it's just not on the inside any more - i don't wanna die - i DO NOT want to kill myself i do just need to get all this pain out


what's causing it you ask that has pushed me over the edge

- money -

the constant un knowing of matt and i current situation i know what the long term is and i'm okay with that but the day in and day out wondering where we stand whter or not this newest attraction in az is something i need to worry about - he says not but damn it's just hard somedays - i do believe him - i'm just tired of haveing to take everythign he tells me on his word a word that was broken in dec and word that is being broken now . it's hard for me to trust - i don't think he gets that



breathes and now that i feel all emo - i'm going to log off here and try to workand not cry at work today


is it vaction yet ?


“My body is my journal,and my tattoos are my story”

Johnny Depp

so i've ben thinking - here's the deal with everyone i trained getting hired - it means that i am a good trainer or mentor or what the hell ever i was thru x-mas.

and actually that's pretty hot =)

no i'm not saying that i'm not upset that is didin't get badged and they did .. but shit how wonderful is that - all of my friends got hired !!!!!!


hopefully next time i'm good to go =)


in other news if i'm hard to get a hold of this week it's b/c matt's leaveing at the end of the week and i would like to do as much with him as possible b4 he goes.


more later