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Something thing meaningful
Dec. 4th, 2004 06:10 pmI'm looking for something meaning this season.... my heart is all hopeful for something that isn't going to be happening for a while so i need to back off the expectations a bit and i think that'll help alot -
i have been dreaming alot - i had a F*ed up dream the other night about being pregnat which i was happy about - the baby and i where soaking in the tub at my house. All my freaking relatives (the ones that don't get who and what i am ) where over the baby and i where overwelmed so we went to go take a bath. my sister comes barging in(closely fallowed by my brother) and tells me that i am unfit to be a parent - doing things like that will ruin my child - it a boy i think. my brother who is telling her off for among many things barging in on my bath also at having the gall to tell me that i'm warping my kido.... like she's got any room to talk. then i was at the sink in the kitchen with the baby and all the applicances even the water purifer was MONSTER brand. then my cousin (that i hate) was telling me how my water purifer wasn't good enought to use for the baby and Matt was there telling her to f*off and then ....I woke up looked over at Matt and wondered WTFH he's doing with me and then he rolled over and held me and i went back to sleep.
last night i was dreaming about haveing kids - i guess this is my clock ticking - is this what your clock ticking feels like?
anyway ... i'm having a hard time finding something meaning full about this season .... i don't have a real drive to see my family that i'm realated to for what ever reason. I know i'm not going to get to see my choosen family - i guess i have cut myself off from alot of the magical people in my life and i miss it but getting back into that sceane right now seems like a big mistake - not like i wouldn't be welcome, i know i would be but .... i just don't wanna make waves for people. i want to create something. Maybe i'll go home and make my x-mas/yule cards.
What does this season mean to me .... it means church .... christmas eve sevice at UMC and then midnight mass with mom or Matt this year. I t means cold weather that makes me lazy and hungery which ends up with me fat in the spring. I t means presants that i don't want or need because my family doesn't listen to me when i ask for things. it means feeling withdrawn and alone.
I think that comes from being a kid in a house where my father (who beat the daylights out of me as kid) loved chirstmas - and mom hates it. There where always big fights growning up about money and presents - i can't remeber as a kid ever wanting for anything that came from a store. But they fought all the time - and mom left dad when i was 12 over christmas break .... i don't know there aren't alot of happy memeories that i can associate with x-mas. as we have gotten older (all the kids) it maens less .... it's all about what who got what i it used to be soo excited to just see the presants there it didn't matter who got what. also they seem to think that the surprise of everything is no longer improtant. i almost always know what i'm getting before i open the gift - that sucks. Easter is like that now too , but i guess that should really be a rant for another day. I'm disapointed that i have no time to do any yule things and if i did my family wouldn't understand.
I want something meaning ful this year, i want the blocks to build a furture with i want grow and be loved and stop feeling guiilty about being loved and loveing people...
I want not to be the odd ball at all the family things this year. I want to roll over and never wonder what is keeping this amazing man with me ?
i have been dreaming alot - i had a F*ed up dream the other night about being pregnat which i was happy about - the baby and i where soaking in the tub at my house. All my freaking relatives (the ones that don't get who and what i am ) where over the baby and i where overwelmed so we went to go take a bath. my sister comes barging in(closely fallowed by my brother) and tells me that i am unfit to be a parent - doing things like that will ruin my child - it a boy i think. my brother who is telling her off for among many things barging in on my bath also at having the gall to tell me that i'm warping my kido.... like she's got any room to talk. then i was at the sink in the kitchen with the baby and all the applicances even the water purifer was MONSTER brand. then my cousin (that i hate) was telling me how my water purifer wasn't good enought to use for the baby and Matt was there telling her to f*off and then ....I woke up looked over at Matt and wondered WTFH he's doing with me and then he rolled over and held me and i went back to sleep.
last night i was dreaming about haveing kids - i guess this is my clock ticking - is this what your clock ticking feels like?
anyway ... i'm having a hard time finding something meaning full about this season .... i don't have a real drive to see my family that i'm realated to for what ever reason. I know i'm not going to get to see my choosen family - i guess i have cut myself off from alot of the magical people in my life and i miss it but getting back into that sceane right now seems like a big mistake - not like i wouldn't be welcome, i know i would be but .... i just don't wanna make waves for people. i want to create something. Maybe i'll go home and make my x-mas/yule cards.
What does this season mean to me .... it means church .... christmas eve sevice at UMC and then midnight mass with mom or Matt this year. I t means cold weather that makes me lazy and hungery which ends up with me fat in the spring. I t means presants that i don't want or need because my family doesn't listen to me when i ask for things. it means feeling withdrawn and alone.
I think that comes from being a kid in a house where my father (who beat the daylights out of me as kid) loved chirstmas - and mom hates it. There where always big fights growning up about money and presents - i can't remeber as a kid ever wanting for anything that came from a store. But they fought all the time - and mom left dad when i was 12 over christmas break .... i don't know there aren't alot of happy memeories that i can associate with x-mas. as we have gotten older (all the kids) it maens less .... it's all about what who got what i it used to be soo excited to just see the presants there it didn't matter who got what. also they seem to think that the surprise of everything is no longer improtant. i almost always know what i'm getting before i open the gift - that sucks. Easter is like that now too , but i guess that should really be a rant for another day. I'm disapointed that i have no time to do any yule things and if i did my family wouldn't understand.
I want something meaning ful this year, i want the blocks to build a furture with i want grow and be loved and stop feeling guiilty about being loved and loveing people...
I want not to be the odd ball at all the family things this year. I want to roll over and never wonder what is keeping this amazing man with me ?
