just venting no body freak out

part of me wonders if i should just killmyself - i know i'm allowing the hurting to happen  i can't walk away from it - i can't make it stop i can't make it go away - i can't walk away from it

 i know that loc=gically walking away is the best thing i could do - but then i don't get what i want i don't get any of what i want - i know i'm engaged to man who loves me he has a stupid way of showing it

i know know i'm engaged to a man who wants to marry me  at somepoint
 i know i'm engaged to a man who  i love more than works can say

 and i i know i love him  enought to endure this

 i need to know what's going on i need to know the staus of our relationship i need to know what changed or when it changed i need to know he feels about me i need to know what happens whern it doesnr' work i need to get all this figured out so i can work i have reachesd a place where i  can function i wake up at night and can't i am exusted durning the day  and i can do is cry  all i can think about his him - my life is quite litterally a liveing hell that i have no will to walk out of be the alternitive is quite litterally hell as well


he told me that where i move ti is up to me .. i told him i want to move there - he said no - well i gues sit's not really up to me

i talked to J. the other night ther was lose referance to moving here(austin) in the furture) that made me smaile -

 this is stupid i sleep better withthe ring on
 it's less restless but my dreams are OMG active

 all i want to do today is go home and sleep till my feeling crawlon their belly back in to a box where i can keep them safe so i can function like a normal human


work is sucky right now which is simpley makeing the other sistuation worse

 right now the best idea i have is to just lay down and pray i can sleep this off be this is my worst night mare