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phoenix_aroseum my birthday is in a week and 2 days - matt leaved for calli on 01-01 - he will be getting back late on 01-05 (b-day) i have no plans currently - i'm not sure wher or what will be going on in my life in and week and 2 days .......
i'm very upset today
- this weekend was not what i needed - x-mas eve sorta was (mom, who i'm sure is not reading this THANK YOU) mom made my night alot better - i still can't sleep very well but the bed he had made up for me was piled with pillows and silk covers and feather blankets and as soon i ca find the pic i'll post what it looked and felt like
any one seen the 1995 Little Princess movie - well at teh end wehn allthe food and blankets get there ... yeah that's how it felt
the little girl in my was comforyed alot by that - i sent he next day just holding everything in my together to get out of town so i could drive yto dallas - i was good to see Crystal and hard to spend that much time in close company with matt where i had to act like everything was all normal and shit
so i my 2 days off were not relaxing they were not spent in a bed sleeping they were not (except for a few hours ) spent amoung people whom i didin't have pretned to be okay with my life with - i worked on my days off .... but it wasn't work i got paid for -
2 weeks ago i was not ready to quit yet but ... in the last 24 hours something shifted - i'm ready to quit now if i have to - but the little girl who was soo happy with the pillows and tea on x-mas is still offering up my heart on plate - in hopes of it getting better and the grown up not haveing to walk away
i'm so pisssed at my self - mi have allowed this to happen to me again - 4 years ago i refused to let heart break and pain shape me in to someone who would never let another people get close to me - andi won that one - i have let someone elsse in and i believed the BS that he fed me about what he wanted - a life a reltionship - eventually marragie and kids ... and now he's runnign away from his promises and lying to me - why why didi i thnk that i some how deserved that life ? i have no idea - but i'm learning and i'm still trying b/c can't say no to that little face stareing at me say please don't quit i'm worth it i promise who can reallt say not to a five year girl any way
=) so i keep at it for a little longer
i'm very upset today
- this weekend was not what i needed - x-mas eve sorta was (mom, who i'm sure is not reading this THANK YOU) mom made my night alot better - i still can't sleep very well but the bed he had made up for me was piled with pillows and silk covers and feather blankets and as soon i ca find the pic i'll post what it looked and felt like
any one seen the 1995 Little Princess movie - well at teh end wehn allthe food and blankets get there ... yeah that's how it felt
the little girl in my was comforyed alot by that - i sent he next day just holding everything in my together to get out of town so i could drive yto dallas - i was good to see Crystal and hard to spend that much time in close company with matt where i had to act like everything was all normal and shit
so i my 2 days off were not relaxing they were not spent in a bed sleeping they were not (except for a few hours ) spent amoung people whom i didin't have pretned to be okay with my life with - i worked on my days off .... but it wasn't work i got paid for -
2 weeks ago i was not ready to quit yet but ... in the last 24 hours something shifted - i'm ready to quit now if i have to - but the little girl who was soo happy with the pillows and tea on x-mas is still offering up my heart on plate - in hopes of it getting better and the grown up not haveing to walk away
i'm so pisssed at my self - mi have allowed this to happen to me again - 4 years ago i refused to let heart break and pain shape me in to someone who would never let another people get close to me - andi won that one - i have let someone elsse in and i believed the BS that he fed me about what he wanted - a life a reltionship - eventually marragie and kids ... and now he's runnign away from his promises and lying to me - why why didi i thnk that i some how deserved that life ? i have no idea - but i'm learning and i'm still trying b/c can't say no to that little face stareing at me say please don't quit i'm worth it i promise who can reallt say not to a five year girl any way
=) so i keep at it for a little longer
