so yes have been putting off the emotional healing b/c i need to be physically better be for i can even start on that shit - before the accident i was heading for a small break down ... i kept saying i needed to slow down, i needed a break, i needed some time off. I needed that timew to get my head clear - it's still not clear plus there was the accident. emotions quicky took a ny of the energy i had for the day - so here i am 2 days from going back to work and i work up this morning crying i moved to the living room and Stay cam to mind then a whole host of other things. i spent most of the moring just crying while i pulled the lyrics above.
I cried b/c i feel lost broken and un wanted, b/c i feel help less to fix so much in my life, b/c i'm frusterated that i couldn't go back to work sooner, that my legs still don't work quite right, that i'm still all busted up from over 2 weeks ago, b/c i don't know what the hell is goin on or is going to happen with matt and i ( yes i can control that abit),b/c strangly enough i'm scared to go to work, b/c i miss my pets, b/c i can't do some things for my self, b/c i'm just frusterated.
the music video for what hurts the most by rascal flatts .... was um very upsetting b/c that could have been excatly what happened - i could have died several people have told me there is no way that we should have survived the accident at all .... that's just werid b/c I never had a "OMG-i'm-going-to-die" moment all the way thru the thing
I've also spent alot of time comforting the people around me who were/are worried about me being okay .... to drive to walk to see to shower by my self, to do any thing - i've beent the one telling them that i'm okay i'm going to be okay it 's going to be fine ... that sounds funny but that's most of what i did the 1st 4 days or so convinced peopl that i am really okay.
My eye color has changed it's lighter and ________er ( been told green and purple) since the crash - i've been to the eye doc he says my eyes are 100% okay now weird damage from the crash.
i'm dying to see matt - now that i can walk a bit better i'm haveing that oh so primal urge to have lots of sex ( just don't touch my bruises) my doc told me this is normal - it's life affirming it's also on a very base level an affermation that the cuts on my face and neck and the scares are not going to run him off that i'm not too ugly to look at b/c some place in there that worries me too.
i just found out that i'm due back at 7 am on wednesday that's cool one extra day - i need to spend the next couple days letting all the emotioanl stuff out b/c if i cart all the extra baggage in to work i'm going to suck at my job sigh i'm really tired now i think i will attempt a book and nap un till i'm due in at PT fpr the day