A somewhat real whiny/pissy post a very long one

[phoenix_arose]

Stiand - so far away


this is my life;it's not what it was before
All of these feelings i've shared
And these are my dreams that i've never lived before
Somebody shake me 'cause I ...I must be sleeping

Chorus:
now that we're here, it's so far away
allthe stuggle we thought was in vain
all the mistakes, one life containd
they all finally start to go away
now that we're here, it's so far away
and i feel like i can face the day
i can forgive, and i'm not ashamed
to be the person that i am today

these are my words, thati've never said before
i think i'm doing okay
and this is the smile that i've never shone before
Somebody shake me 'cause I ...I must be sleeping

Chorus:
now that we're here, it's so far away
allthe stuggle we thought was in vain
all the mistakes, one life containd
they all finally start to go away
now that we're here, it's so far away
and i feel like i can face the day
i can forgive, and i'm not ashamed
to be the person that i am today

I'm so afraid of waking
Please don't shake me
Afriad of waking
please don't shake me

Chorus:
now that we're here, it's so far away
allthe stuggle we thought was in vain
all the mistakes, one life containd
they all finally start to go away
now that we're here, it's so far away
and i feel like i can face the day
i can forgive, and i'm not ashamed
to be the person that i am today

okay now that that is out of my system

people suck

that being said

here's the short version of my life - i am not after pity so spare me please - i just need to get this out on a public fourm so i can ;et people who don't have LJ read this

SHORT LIFE STORY

i was born on janurary 5th 1983
my parnets married (courthouse) on april 1st 1983
my kid brother was born on June 1st 1986
i have a half sister from a previous marrage of my dad's - she is about 4 year older than me

my home life was what i would consider maginally fucked up - i know people who had it worse for differnt reasons than me

i didn't realize that yelling and hitting was not a sign of affection and love till i was 13 - strange how little kids minds work

dad left blood blisters and black and blue strips on me for - my brother not washing his own hair right, for not cleaning the bath tub perfect on the fierst try, for not washing my hair right either, for leaveing part of my dinner onthe plate, ad all the things small childern do here - he also spent alot of time telling me that i was fat,ugly, lazy,useless, dumb and stupid

he missed once an broke a mirror - gods how hard do you have to be swinging a belt to break a mirror

in the 4th grade we were walking in from recess and greg bargo (sweetheart that he is) was trying to be a gentleman and help me carry the 6 reather large cones in - by taking them from me - i completely broke down sceaming and cryin and shreecking. that was it even my class mates could see the aformentioned quilities in me and i was clearly too what ever to carry cones

yeah that landed me in the coucilers office for the rest of the day - she was actually the mom of a very close friend of mine - she spent the entire afternoon talkign with me and after several hours she wanted to know what i wanted to do .... i had a choise - i wanted to go see my grandma because she would make it better - so she called here and asked her to come and get me - she also wanted to know what i thought about mom and dad living together

i told here that i wasn't sleeping well because when they fight at night it was so loud that i could here it like they had a spaeker in my room down the hall ; that i thought i was bad for everyone and maybe they would be happier not living together - at which point she told me that if i didn't give her permission to talk to anyone then she could and wouldn't but that she thought it was a very good thing that my mother know about this - by this pion ti was soooooooooooo completely exusted that anything sounded good - told her to go for it but all it would do is make thinkgs worse at home - she promised it wouldn't

it did dada and i had some other go rounds after that but eventually after at age 9 walking the 3 miles from my parents place to my grandmothers - mom finally got the picure and started the paperwork for the divoce over hristmas when i was in the 5th grade

the ensuing blood bath ... it was horrid please DO NOT put your kids through that if you don't have to

mikeal and i had to testify in court our daycare and afterschool care teachers where summoned to tesify at court that summer ... i felt so bad for them they had to take time off work to do it. i was so embaressed to be causeing all this trouble

so after it was all said and done - got court mandated theripy for 6 monthes and was in and out of my shrinks office over the next 6 years

i spend alot of middle school closed off to everyone - witht exception of my darling anna and stephaine.. some how they wesaled their way in
there where 2 guys to who manage to beat me over the head with love an i finally noticed so to Davd Stillwell and Albert Baber the III i miss hearing from you

from here it's kinda boring i guess comparitively - i meet this guy who called me the perfect drug (hence the journal name [also see the very 1st enty in the journal])- broke up with him to date Kris and spend 4 year with heim - that is a long boring sob story the i won't bore you people with

need less to say i am now going to post an equally long locked down journal till it's fit for human consumtion

Comments

[aronal.livejournal.com]

Thanks for sharing (dumping) this. I know you hinted around about how bad things were with your parents and that divorce. I know I don't really have clue, and you're right, my kids are getting off relatively easy. You're great to have around, I hope you have a wonderful birthday lady!

[perfect-drug.livejournal.com]

thank you - what is LJ for other than dumping

[theoldone.livejournal.com]

You seem to have come through it remarkably same. I'd never have suspected that you carried such a burden with you. I really do admire your resilience.

[perfect-drug.livejournal.com]

*blush* burdens are comparitive - it much lighter than it was years ago

wow...

[jerosejr.livejournal.com]

I have to agree with Bran - you have come out of it incredibly sane! Congratulations for taking care of yourself - I know how hard that can be after being told most of your life that you couldn't.

Gentle teddy-bear hugs,
Joe

Re: wow...

[perfect-drug.livejournal.com]

hi! waves - it'd nice to know your out there

i'm adding you

Re: wow...

[jerosejr.livejournal.com]

Waves back!! I've added you as well! I know I haven't been around very much lately, but that will be changing soon. If you'd like, I have drum circle at my place every month - first Saturday after the 13th (PNO here). I know it's a road trip, but I live on top of a hill in the middle of nowhere, and there's always crash space. And a big bonfire surrounded by sand for the dancers... :-)

I'm still working up to actually writing something down - the last journals I had were used by my ex. It's getting better, and I know it would be good for me to write again. :-)

Take care and lots of blessings!
Joe