opening a window - almost real
Jan. 19th, 2006 02:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
phoenix_aroseI'm wanting to create something ... write, draw, paint, make a newsletter, something. However, I have a great big block - it's not that I don't have any ideas, I just don't have a way of getting it to come out properly. It's like there is a great big plug keeping me from doing it.
I love coloring books - but I can't ever seem to draw anything
I love playing music and singing - I'm unable to write music
I love making things - if there is a structure to follow
I guess I'm not an initiator - perhaps that's what it is - I'm not sure.
//switch\\
So in reflection on my situation with my S.O. -
I think that Nice Guys fall into this trap. No excuses are offered here so bear with me. They don't want to hurt someone's feelings in that effort to be nice. There are girls/women who cannot separate nice guy-friend from oh-my-he-is-dating-me. The fault lays in both places. By the time you are out of high school, the male should know that being nice can be misconstrued as "dating" and females should have learned to draw the line. I think this stems from society - as it is now, there really isn't a place for "straight male friend who likes to hang out and do stuff." It has to be 1. dating 2. dating exclusively 3. playing 4. hanging out with friends ooooorrrrrr......5. cheating (only eligible if you are in a relationship). Why is that?
To define
1. Dating: going places and doing things with one or more people. Yes, group dating is included under this category. Also some poly relationships ... actually Poly really just belongs here - it also belongs in other places, too, but here is a good place to start. Every one knows what's going on. Out with Dan on Tuesday seeing Marry and Tom on Friday, Saturday going out with friends from work. Those are all dates.(suggestions welcome)
2. Dating exclusively for me is specifically not having dates with anyone else. NOT: Ken and Barbie on the couch snuggling up while watching the notebook while his girlfriend Heather is advised not to be home. - now if Heather was included in this movie night that would be okay. Then Heather and a group of people coming by to hang out - still cool so long as Heather is included or invited.
3. Being a player: Dating several people and telling them that it's exclusive when it's not. This is not dating... it's dating gone totally wrong ...
4. This can fall under dating too in a very broad sense .... "I have a lunch date with my friend tomorrow."
5. You are in a committed relationship of some sort and you start engaging in any of the above categories with out letting your partner(s) know ....
Okay, so here's where I get all pissy - I can't stand "don't ask, don't tell" policies b/c this is lying. If that's what makes you happy, fine. Me? I'm poly. I get that people get attracted to other people. It happens, whether it's hot pants (lust) or love for the body or the mind - it happens. And so long as you're open and honest about it, I find that to be an okay thing
in the US, societally speaking, "we" are not okay with that. Cheating is the nice thing to do because then you don't have to tell your S.O. that you like someone else. And then you hope that they never find out. It makes no sense, either, but there it is.
This thing with Matt got started that way. The chick was having a rough time. He wanted to be nice, but in being nice she got all attached because he was taking her out and doing cool things with her. He let her think what he she wanted. Matt encouraged this because in trying again to be nice he never told her that this was not the case, neither by actions nor words, thus "cheating".
I felt like I ended up in the middle because honestly I don't really care if Matt hangs out with his friends of either gender / sex but I don't think I should be excluded from that. Perhaps this is unreasonable but my thought on it is this: Are these people important in your life? "Yes." Well then I would like to know them if you wanna spend time without me - without your girlfriend ... yes that's called boys night. I get that - you want mixed company over to do something you know I won't be interested in. Well the least you could do is invite me. You want to entertain a female at our house and require that I not be there... um, no, unless we have that kind of relationship, which goes both ways.
I understand that as a couple, alone time is a must - everyone needs and wants it. I also understand that people need time away from each other (away from S.O. with other people in a non-romantic/sexual way). And as stated above, I understand the need to be away from each other and with other people in a romantic/sexual way, providing that is the way your relationship is set up.
What I'm driving at, I guess, is why are we, as a society, programing people to be this way where polyamory is taboo and we have to keep attempting to cram people in to boxes that they don't fit in to, encouraging them to lie about their human needs to be with other people.
//switch\\
So. Where am I? Well, I have been asking a lot of questions both in my head and out loud - and some of the answers are disturbing. Both mine and his. Right now, the head noise, my inner monologue, is down to a dull whisper. But every time his phone rings, I get predatory. I have a hard time believing him when he says "mom/dad/family member" and then walks out of the room to talk. When he and I are instant messaging, I have this urge to know exactly who he is talking to and what is he saying. Which understandably upsets him - not what I'm going for. It bugs me that when I walk by and he's on the computer he shuts the top of the computer, even when there is no way I could see anything. He doesn't want to talk about it any more because I think in his mind it's over and done. He says he's not talking to her any more or seeing her and that should be good enough... but that's not good enough for my crushed feelings and trust. *big sigh* I am just tired of having to second guess myself - mostly that is what I find myself upset about - this has caused me to doubt my instincts and feelings and him...
//switch\\
In other news, I have a garden! =) Now I have to decide what to plant in it.
I love coloring books - but I can't ever seem to draw anything
I love playing music and singing - I'm unable to write music
I love making things - if there is a structure to follow
I guess I'm not an initiator - perhaps that's what it is - I'm not sure.
//switch\\
So in reflection on my situation with my S.O. -
I think that Nice Guys fall into this trap. No excuses are offered here so bear with me. They don't want to hurt someone's feelings in that effort to be nice. There are girls/women who cannot separate nice guy-friend from oh-my-he-is-dating-me. The fault lays in both places. By the time you are out of high school, the male should know that being nice can be misconstrued as "dating" and females should have learned to draw the line. I think this stems from society - as it is now, there really isn't a place for "straight male friend who likes to hang out and do stuff." It has to be 1. dating 2. dating exclusively 3. playing 4. hanging out with friends ooooorrrrrr......5. cheating (only eligible if you are in a relationship). Why is that?
To define
1. Dating: going places and doing things with one or more people. Yes, group dating is included under this category. Also some poly relationships ... actually Poly really just belongs here - it also belongs in other places, too, but here is a good place to start. Every one knows what's going on. Out with Dan on Tuesday seeing Marry and Tom on Friday, Saturday going out with friends from work. Those are all dates.(suggestions welcome)
2. Dating exclusively for me is specifically not having dates with anyone else. NOT: Ken and Barbie on the couch snuggling up while watching the notebook while his girlfriend Heather is advised not to be home. - now if Heather was included in this movie night that would be okay. Then Heather and a group of people coming by to hang out - still cool so long as Heather is included or invited.
3. Being a player: Dating several people and telling them that it's exclusive when it's not. This is not dating... it's dating gone totally wrong ...
4. This can fall under dating too in a very broad sense .... "I have a lunch date with my friend tomorrow."
5. You are in a committed relationship of some sort and you start engaging in any of the above categories with out letting your partner(s) know ....
Okay, so here's where I get all pissy - I can't stand "don't ask, don't tell" policies b/c this is lying. If that's what makes you happy, fine. Me? I'm poly. I get that people get attracted to other people. It happens, whether it's hot pants (lust) or love for the body or the mind - it happens. And so long as you're open and honest about it, I find that to be an okay thing
in the US, societally speaking, "we" are not okay with that. Cheating is the nice thing to do because then you don't have to tell your S.O. that you like someone else. And then you hope that they never find out. It makes no sense, either, but there it is.
This thing with Matt got started that way. The chick was having a rough time. He wanted to be nice, but in being nice she got all attached because he was taking her out and doing cool things with her. He let her think what he she wanted. Matt encouraged this because in trying again to be nice he never told her that this was not the case, neither by actions nor words, thus "cheating".
I felt like I ended up in the middle because honestly I don't really care if Matt hangs out with his friends of either gender / sex but I don't think I should be excluded from that. Perhaps this is unreasonable but my thought on it is this: Are these people important in your life? "Yes." Well then I would like to know them if you wanna spend time without me - without your girlfriend ... yes that's called boys night. I get that - you want mixed company over to do something you know I won't be interested in. Well the least you could do is invite me. You want to entertain a female at our house and require that I not be there... um, no, unless we have that kind of relationship, which goes both ways.
I understand that as a couple, alone time is a must - everyone needs and wants it. I also understand that people need time away from each other (away from S.O. with other people in a non-romantic/sexual way). And as stated above, I understand the need to be away from each other and with other people in a romantic/sexual way, providing that is the way your relationship is set up.
What I'm driving at, I guess, is why are we, as a society, programing people to be this way where polyamory is taboo and we have to keep attempting to cram people in to boxes that they don't fit in to, encouraging them to lie about their human needs to be with other people.
//switch\\
So. Where am I? Well, I have been asking a lot of questions both in my head and out loud - and some of the answers are disturbing. Both mine and his. Right now, the head noise, my inner monologue, is down to a dull whisper. But every time his phone rings, I get predatory. I have a hard time believing him when he says "mom/dad/family member" and then walks out of the room to talk. When he and I are instant messaging, I have this urge to know exactly who he is talking to and what is he saying. Which understandably upsets him - not what I'm going for. It bugs me that when I walk by and he's on the computer he shuts the top of the computer, even when there is no way I could see anything. He doesn't want to talk about it any more because I think in his mind it's over and done. He says he's not talking to her any more or seeing her and that should be good enough... but that's not good enough for my crushed feelings and trust. *big sigh* I am just tired of having to second guess myself - mostly that is what I find myself upset about - this has caused me to doubt my instincts and feelings and him...
//switch\\
In other news, I have a garden! =) Now I have to decide what to plant in it.
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no subject
Date: 2006-01-19 09:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-19 11:58 pm (UTC)