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it's been an amazing 10 monthes - an it's strange because almost no one
has been around to see it. i'm kinda a recluse i like my time a home
with my cats and books.
Now i like parties ... i really do but i have to shift gears in order to enjoy just being there - you see see if i'm planning it and running it - it's like "work" very enjoyable work but i'm doing something i have a role to fill - but just hanging out at a pary or a club is hard for me - i have to work at relaxing. not to say that i don't have my lazy moments or anything, but i like having a roll , a spot to fill even if i don't fit in i quite right .
Anyway about 10 monthes ago someone close to me pointed out that i hated my body. i was un heathy my engery was all jacked up. i begain to think about what was important to me as a person - what i needed - what i wanted - what i didn't need or want or like even. As i started to pow throught some of the emotional crap i'd built up around me - i had 2 realtionships with wonderful people both of which i never talk to any more. One of which actaully acknowledge my existance for the first time in about 6 or 7 months the other day. i have removed my self totally from from the other ( i have been thinking about trying to heal or rebuild that bridge). i'm not proud of what happen when i ended those relationships. I'm sorry for how my drastically chnageing the relationships effected and affected those around me and around both of them.
I am sorry, i know this means nothing to Anthony Dalton or Dave Rosen but i am sorry.
i had planned on spending some time by myself. i thought that was what i needed, so i set up some rules that i thought surely no one would meet. Thus preventing me from dating anyone - was wrong on a couple of levels some of which i didn't know till a few weeks ago. Matthew came in to my life in a not expected manner - my inntional reaction was - i hate him he's from dallas and an asshole - what i ment was he's soo freaking normal and cocky. after 2 monthes of losing money trying to get to know me he got though - i had a very "bad" day with Anth - it was a break though kinda day i sat on the porch and watched the rain come in .... called Matt and askedif we could go out as friends and that was all he said that he wouldpick me up after they got the Fantcy football league teams picked - we went to party in the middle of no place and talked that was good we kissed no snogging there - i knew what i needed to do
I begain the process of pulling away from Anth. I always said Matt took me out one night and i just never went home again .... i did go home sometimes not very often but i did pop by Anth and i didn't end well - we didn't start well either - it was un heathly for me i'm not sure it was ever good for him. and that is where this post really should start at
I desided that the rules woudl no sex until beltaine , possibly Samhian so 6montyhes to a year with no sex of any sort.I had planned on evaluating it every few monthes so that i could looka t where I was with my life and myself. the next day i saw Matt i told him i needed to be up front about some things
more later
Now i like parties ... i really do but i have to shift gears in order to enjoy just being there - you see see if i'm planning it and running it - it's like "work" very enjoyable work but i'm doing something i have a role to fill - but just hanging out at a pary or a club is hard for me - i have to work at relaxing. not to say that i don't have my lazy moments or anything, but i like having a roll , a spot to fill even if i don't fit in i quite right .
Anyway about 10 monthes ago someone close to me pointed out that i hated my body. i was un heathy my engery was all jacked up. i begain to think about what was important to me as a person - what i needed - what i wanted - what i didn't need or want or like even. As i started to pow throught some of the emotional crap i'd built up around me - i had 2 realtionships with wonderful people both of which i never talk to any more. One of which actaully acknowledge my existance for the first time in about 6 or 7 months the other day. i have removed my self totally from from the other ( i have been thinking about trying to heal or rebuild that bridge). i'm not proud of what happen when i ended those relationships. I'm sorry for how my drastically chnageing the relationships effected and affected those around me and around both of them.
I am sorry, i know this means nothing to Anthony Dalton or Dave Rosen but i am sorry.
i had planned on spending some time by myself. i thought that was what i needed, so i set up some rules that i thought surely no one would meet. Thus preventing me from dating anyone - was wrong on a couple of levels some of which i didn't know till a few weeks ago. Matthew came in to my life in a not expected manner - my inntional reaction was - i hate him he's from dallas and an asshole - what i ment was he's soo freaking normal and cocky. after 2 monthes of losing money trying to get to know me he got though - i had a very "bad" day with Anth - it was a break though kinda day i sat on the porch and watched the rain come in .... called Matt and askedif we could go out as friends and that was all he said that he wouldpick me up after they got the Fantcy football league teams picked - we went to party in the middle of no place and talked that was good we kissed no snogging there - i knew what i needed to do
I begain the process of pulling away from Anth. I always said Matt took me out one night and i just never went home again .... i did go home sometimes not very often but i did pop by Anth and i didn't end well - we didn't start well either - it was un heathly for me i'm not sure it was ever good for him. and that is where this post really should start at
I desided that the rules woudl no sex until beltaine , possibly Samhian so 6montyhes to a year with no sex of any sort.I had planned on evaluating it every few monthes so that i could looka t where I was with my life and myself. the next day i saw Matt i told him i needed to be up front about some things
- I am pagan i go campoing at least 2 times a year - i would like
to have my boyfriend/ S.O. withme for those or atleast got to one and
see what it's all about
- explained the not getting fuck me or really play with me for at least 6 months more like a year.
more later
